finally we be take into custody and force to write confession for a long time .
at first i write the following :
chen qingyang and i have a indecent relationship .
that be all .
but it come down from above that what i write be too simple , and they ask i to start over .
later on i write that chen qingyang and i have a indecent relationship , and that i have screw she many time , and she like be screw by i .
this time the opinion from above say it need more detail .
so i add detail :
the fortieth time that we make illegal love , the location be the thatched hut i secretly build on the mountain .
it be either the fifteenth or the sixteenth by the lunar calendar — whatever the date , the moon shine brightly .
chen qingyang sit on the bamboo bed , she body gleam in the moonlight that shine through the door .
i stand on the ground , and she lock she leg around my waist .
we chat for a while .
i tell she that she breast be not just full , but also shapely ; she navel not only round , but shallow too .
all of this be very good .
she say , really ?
i have no idea .
after a while the moonlight move away .
i light a cigarette , but she take it from i after i finish half of it , take several drag .
she pinch my nose , for the local believe that a virgin 's nose would be very hard , and a man die of too much sex would have a soft nose .
on some of these occasion she laze on the bed , lean against the bamboo wall ; other time she hold i like a koala bear , blow warm breath on my face .
at last the moonlight shone through the window opposite the door and we be separate by then .
however , i write these confession not for the military deputy — he be no longer we military deputy , have be discharge from the army and go back home .
it do not matter whether he be we military deputy or not , we have to write confession about we error anyway .
year later , i have a good relationship with the director of personnel at we school .
he tell i that the great thing about the job be that you could read other people 's confession , which i believe include mine .
i think of all the confession mine would be the richest and most vivid .
that be because i write it in a hotel , with nothing else to do , like a professional writer .
in the evening i make my escape .
that morning , i ask the mess officer for a day off because i need to go to jingkan to buy toothpaste .
i work under the mess officer , who also have the task of watch i .
he be suppose to keep a eye on i every minute , but i disappear as soon as it get dark .
in the morning i bring he a lot of loquat , all very good .
the loquat grow on the plain be not edible , because of the ant colony in they .
only the one on the mountain do not have ant .
the mess officer say since we get along , and the military deputy be not around , he would allow i to go buy toothpaste .
but he also say the military deputy might return any minute .
if i be not here by the time the military deputy return , he could not cover for i .
i leave my team and climb to the fifteenth team 's mountainside , hold a small piece of mirror to reflect light on chen qingyang 's back window .
after a while , she come up the mountain and tell i that since people have be keep a close eye on she for the past two day , she have not be able to get out .
and right now she be have she period .
she say that should not be a problem and we could still do it .
i say that be not go to work .
when we say goodbye to each other , she insist on give i two hundred yuan .
i refuse at first , but then take it after a while .
later chen qingyang tell i that nobody have be keep a close eye on she those two day , and she have not be have she period when she see i .
in fact , people in the fifteenth team do not pay attention to she at all .
people there be use to accuse the innocent of be damage goods , but as for real damage goods , they just let they do whatever they want .
the reason that she do not come up the mountain and keep i wait for nothing be because she begin to feel tired of it .
she could not do it unless she be in the right mood ; have sex would not necessarily put she in a good mood .
of course , after she deception she feel guilty .
that be why she give i two hundred yuan .
i think since she might have trouble spend the two hundred yuan , i would not mind help she .
so i bring the money with i to jingkan and buy a double-barreled shotgun for myself .
later when i write my confession , the double-barreled shotgun be also a issue .
they suspect that i might want to kill someone with it .
actually , if i would want to kill someone , it would not have make any difference whether i use a two hundred-yuan double-barreled shotgun or a forty-yuan bronze-barreled gun .
a bronze-barreled gun , normally use to shoot wild duck by the water , be not practical at all in the mountain ; besides , it be as heavy as a corpse .
when i get to the street in jingkan that day , it be already afternoon , and since it be not a market day , there be just a desert dirt road and a few desert state-run store .
inside one store a saleswoman doze while a swarm of fly circle around .
the shelf display read " aloomenum wokk " and " aloomenum kittel , " and underneath be aluminum wok and aluminum kettle .
i chat awhile with the saleswoman , who be from shandong province , and she let i go in they storeroom to look around myself .
in there i see a shotgun make in shanghai .
so i buy it even though it have sit there for nearly two year .
at dusk i test it on the riverbank and kill a heron .
the military deputy happen to return from the farm headquarters right then and be shock to see my shotgun .
he go on about how it be not right that everyone could have a gun , and that someone have to talk to the team leader and confiscate wang er 's gun .
when i hear this , i feel the urge to fire at he belly .
if i have , it would probably have kill he .
then most likely i would not be around today .
on the way back from jingkan that afternoon , i wade through the paddy field and stand among the rice seedling for a while .
i see leech swim out like fish and stick to my leg .
i be naked to the waist then , because i have use my clothes to wrap brown sugar bun ( the only kind of food sell in the town 's restaurant ) , and with the bun in my hand and a gun sling over my back , i feel really load down .
so i ignore the leech .
only when i get up the bank do i start pull they off one by one and burn they .
they turn soft and blistery in the fire .
all of a sudden , i feel very frustrated and tired , nothing like a twenty-one-year-old .
i realize i would get old quickly if thing continue like this .
after a while , i run into le du , who tell i that they have catch all the fish at the fork of the river .
my share have be dry into stockfish and store at he sister 's place .
he sister want i to come get it .
i know he sister very well ; she be a dark , pretty girl .
i tell he that i could not get there for a while .
i give he all my brown sugar bun and ask he to take a message to the fifteenth team , tell chen qingyang that i would buy a gun with she money .
le du go to the fifteenth team and tell chen qingyang .
she be afraid that i might shoot the military deputy .
this concern be not completely unreasonable .
by the evening i really begin to consider take a shot at the military deputy .
at dusk , when i shoot the heron by the river , i run into the military deputy .
as usual , i stay mute and he keep nagging at i .
i get really angry .
for more than two week , he have be hold forth on the same subject over and over , that i be a bad person and need thought reform .
people should not let up on i for a minute .
i would be hear that sort of thing all my life but never get angrier than that night .
after a while , he say he have wonderful good news to announce later that day , but would not reveal what it be except that " the rotten whore " chen qingyang and i be go to have a really hard time from now on .
infuriate by what he say , i be tempt to choke he right on the spot , but my curiosity about the great news get the better of i .
however , he go on talk nonsense to keep i guess .
not until we reach we team do he say , come to the meeting tonight .
i 'll announce the news at the meeting .
but i do not go to the meeting that evening .
i pack my stuff , ready to flee back to the mountain .
i believe that some major event must have happen to give the military deputy a way to take care of chen qingyang and i .
as for what the event be , i could not figure it out — in those day anything could happen .
i even imagine that the emperor have be restore and the military deputy have become the local chief .
he could castrate i with a hammer and then take chen qingyang as he concubine .
by the time i finish my packing and be about to leave , i realize that thing be not that bad .
people be shout slogan at the meeting that i could hear even from my room .
it turn out that we state-run farm have be change into a army production corps , and the military deputy might be promote to regimental commander .
at any rate , he could not castrate i , or take chen qingyang as he concubine .
after a few minute ' hesitation , i sling the pack on my back .
then i hack up everything in the place with a machete , find a piece of charcoal , and write " xxx ( the military deputy 's name ) , fuck you mother ! " on the wall .
after that i leave and head up the mountain .
that be how i run away from the fourteenth team .
i also include these thing in my confession .
to summarize , it go like this :
the military deputy have a personal grudge against i , which be twofold .
firstly , i tell the relief delegation that i have be beat unconscious , which make the military deputy lose face ; secondly , he and i fight over a woman , which be why he be always try to screw i .
so , when i learn he be about to become regimental commander , i feel that i could not take it anymore and flee into the mountain .
even today i still believe that be the true reason for my escape .
but they say that the military deputy have not become regimental commander , so my explanation for run away would not stand up .
so , they say my confession be unconvincing .
a convincing confession would be that chen qingyang and i be have a love affair .
as the say go : for sex , a man would dare anything .
we would do anything for it — well , there be some truth to that .
but when i run away from we team , i do not plan to see chen qingyang , think that i could just leave without tell anyone .
when i reach the edge of the mountain i realize that after all chen qingyang be a friend of mine and i should go back to say goodbye to she .
i have not expect chen qingyang to say she want to run away with i .
she say if she do not join i in such a adventure , we would throw we great friendship to the dog .
so she pack some stuff in a hurry and take off with i .
without she and what she pack , i would have get sick and die on the mountain for sure .
the supplies she pack include lot of malaria medicine , and plenty of jumbo-sized condom .
after chen qingyang and i escape to the mountain , the farm panic for a while .
they believe we have run off to burma .
it would not have be good for any of we if that news have get out .
so they do not report we , only issue a wanted poster on the farm .
both chen qingyang and i be easily recognize , and , besides , the double-barreled shotgun we bring along be hard to hide .
but for some reason nobody find we until half a year later when each of we return to we own team .
and then after another month , the public security section summon we to write we confession .
it be we bad luck to be the victim of a new political campaign and have someone inform on we .
the office of public security be located at the entrance to we farm 's headquarters .
it be a lonely mud-brick house .
you could see it from far off , because it be whitewashed and set on a hill .
when people go to the market at headquarters , they could see it from a distance .
a patch of sisal hemp , a perennial dark green in color , surround the house , but the clay underneath be red .
i confess my error there , make a clean breast of everything .
we go up the mountain , and first we plant some corn on the back slope of the fifteenth team .
the soil there be poor , and half the corn do not grow .
and then we leave , sleep in the daytime and walk at night , look for other place to settle .
finally we remember a abandon mill on the mountain , where there be a large , desert area of fertile ground .
since a escapee from the leper colony , whom people call grandpa liu , live there , no one visit except chen qingyang , prompt by she sense of duty as a doctor .
we finally go there for shelter , live in the valley behind the mill .
chen qingyang treat grandpa liu 's leprosy , and i tend the land for he .
after a while , i travel to the market in qingping and run into some classmate .
they tell i that the military deputy have be transfer someplace else and nobody remember we affair anymore .
so we come back .
that be how the whole business go .
i remain in the public security section for a long time .
for a while the atmosphere be not bad .
they say my problem be pretty clear and all i need to do be to write confession .
but after a while the situation turn more serious ; they suspect that we have go abroad , collude with the enemy , and come back on a mission .
so they take chen qingyang to the office , interrogate she severely .
while they interrogate she , i look out the window — the sky be fill with cloud .
they want i to confess how i have slip across the border .
as far as border-crossing go , i be not completely innocent .
i do cross the border .
i disguise myself as a thai to go to the market on the other side .
i buy a few box of match and salt .
but it be unnecessary to tell they about this .
thing unnecessary to say should not be say .
later i lead those security people to we place to investigate .
the thatched hut that i build on the back slope of the fifteenth team have leak in the roof , the cornfield attract many bird , and the heap of use condom behind we hut supply ironclad evidence of we former occupancy .
the local do not like to use condom , hold that condom block exchange between yin and yang and gradually weaken people .
actually , those local condom be better than any other one i use later .
they be make of 100 percent natural rubber .
afterward i refuse to take they there again .
anyway , i tell they i have never cross the border , and they do not believe i ;
i show they the place , but they still do not believe i .
thing unnecessary to do should not be do .
i stay mute all day long , and so do chen qingyang .
the investigator ask we question at first , but get lazy after a while .
on market day , many thais and jingpos come by , carry fresh fruit and vegetable on they back , and we interrogator get fewer and fewer .
finally there be only one person leave .
he also want to go to the market , but it be not time to release we yet and leave we unattended be against the rule .
so he go outside to call someone .
he order a few pass woman to stop .
they do not stop but speed up .
we smile when we see this .
the security comrade finally stop a woman .
chen qingyang rise to she foot , smooth out she hair , straighten the collar of she shirt , and then turn around , put she hand behind she back .
the woman tie she up , start from she hand and then run the rope over she neck and arm to make a knot .
she apologize , i be just hopeless at tie people up .
the security comrade say , that be good enough .
then he tie i up , sit we back-to-back in two separate chair , and rope the whole thing together .
he lock the door and go to the market .
after a long time , he come back to get something from the office desk .
he ask , want to go to the bathroom ?
it be still early .
i 'll come back after a while and then let you two leave .
then he go out again .
when he finally come to set we free , chen qingyang wiggle she finger , smooth she hair , and brush the dust from she clothes .
then we return to we hotel room .
we go to the public security section every day and would be tie up every market day .
beyond that , we have to go to every team to accept public denouncement with other bad element .
they threaten , more than once , to use other method of the proletarian dictatorship on we — that be how we investigation go .
later on they stop suspect we have go abroad .
they begin to deal with chen qingyang in a more civilized way , often ask she to go to the hospital and treat the prostatitis of the chief of staff .
at that time , we farm have admit a large number of retired army cadre , many of whom suffer from prostatitis .
through the investigation , they find that chen qingyang be the only one on we entire farm who know there be such a thing as a prostate gland in a human .
the security comrade tell we to confess we love affair .
i say , how do you know we have a love affair ?
do you see it ?
they say , then confess you speculation problem .
again i ask , how do you know i have a speculation problem ?
they say , a traitorship problem would do .
anyway , you have to confess something .
as far as what specific problem you want to confess , that be up to you .
if you confess nothing , we will not release you .
after discuss it , chen qingyang and i decide to confess we love affair .
she say , thing we actually do we should not be afraid to confess .
that be how i get start write confession like a writer .
the first thing i confess be what happen the night we run away .
after a few draft , i finally write that chen qingyang look like a koala bear .
she admit that she be very excite that night and really feel like a koala bear .
she finally have a chance to fulfill she great friendship .
so she lock she leg around my waist , grab my shoulder with she hand , and imagine that i be a tall tree , try to climb up several time .
when i see chen qingyang again , it be already the ninety .
she tell i that she have divorce she husband and be now live with she daughter in shanghai .
she come to beijing on a business trip .
as soon as she get to beijing , she begin to recall that wang er live here and she might be able to see i .
subsequently , she do run into i at dragon-lair lake temple fair .
i have the same old look — deep wrinkle stretch toward my mouth , dark circle under my eye , and i wear a old-fashioned cotton jacket .
squat on the ground , i be eat spiced giblets and baked pancake that fancy place would not serve .
the only difference be that my finger have be burn yellow by nitric acid .
chen qingyang have change a lot .
she wear a thin beige coat , a tweed skirt , high-heeled leather boot and a pair of goldrimmed glass , like a public relation person in a big company .
if she have not call my name , i would not have recognize she .
at that moment it dawn on i that everyone have he own essence , which would shine in the right setting .
i be essentially a rascal or bandit .
now that i be a city dweller and a schoolteacher , mine do not look quite right .
chen qingyang say she daughter have go into she sophomore year at the university .
recently she find out about we affair and want to meet i .
what occasioned this be :
she hospital want to promote chen qingyang , but they find this pile of confession in she dossier .
after a discussion , the leader decide they be persecutory material from the cultural revolution and should be discard .
so they send someone to yunnan to investigate she case , spend over ten thousand yuan on the trip , and finally remove all the confession from the file .
since she be the author , they return they to she .
she bring they home and stash they somewhere , and she daughter find they .
she daughter say , wow !
so that be how the two of you make i .
actually , i have nothing to do with she daughter .
when she daughter be conceive , i have already leave yunnan .
chen qingyang explain thing to she daughter that way , too .
but the girl say i could have put my sperm in a test tube and mail it to chen qingyang , who be still in yunnan at that time , for artificial insemination .
in she word , " there be nothing you pair of jerk would not do . "
the first night we escape to the mountain , chen qingyang be very arouse .
when i finally get to sleep at daybreak , she wake i again .
at that time fog be pour through the crack in the wall .
she want i to do it again , tell i not to wear the rubber thing .
she be go to have a brood of baby with i .
let they hang down to here in a few year .
meanwhile , she pull she breast down by the nipple to show i where they would reach .
but i do not like the idea that she breast would droop and say , let 's think of a way to keep they from droop .
that be why i continue to wear the rubber thing .
after that she lose interest in make love to i .
when i see chen qingyang all those year later , i ask , how be they ?
do they droop ?
she say , you bet they do .
they be as droopy as hell .
want to see the droop ?
i get to see they shortly after — they be not that bad .
but she say , they will be that bad sooner or later .
there be no way out .
when i turn in this confession , the leader really like it .
one big shot , either the chief of staff or the commissar , receive we and praise we attitude .
they believe that we have not throw ourselves into the enemy 's embrace and betray we country , and we task in the future be to confess we illicit love affair .
if we confess well , they would allow we to get marry .
but we do not want to get marry .
so later they say if we confess well , they would let i go back to civilization , and chen qingyang would get to work in a bigger hospital .
so i stay in my hotel room and write confession for over a month .
nothing interrupt i except the government business that i have to perform .
i use carbon copy ; the original i keep , the duplicate i give to she .
we use exactly the same confession .
after a while , the security comrade come to talk to i , tell i about the big denouncement meeting they be go to hold .
all the people who have be investigate by the public security section would have to attend , include speculator , grafter , and all kind of bad element .
we belong in the group , but the regimental leader say that since we be young people , and have good attitude , we do not have to go .
but people compare they situation with ours , and ask , if everyone who have be investigate have to be there , why be we be let off ?
the security comrade be in a fix .
so we would have to take part in the meeting .
finally they decide to work on mobilize we to take part .
they tell we that public denounce have a impact on a person 's mind , which could prevent we from commit error in the future .
since there be such a advantage , how could we miss the opportunity ?
when the meeting day come , several thousand people flood in from the farm headquarters and the nearby production team .
we stand on the stage with many other .
after wait a long time and hearing quite a few article of denouncement read , we turn , convict wang and chen , finally come .
it turn out that we be loose in moral and corrupt in lifestyle , and what be more , in order to evade thought reform , we have flee into the mountain .
only under the influence of we party 's policy do we come down the mountain to abandon darkness for sunlight .
hearing comment like this , we emotion be stir up , too .
so we raise we arm and shout out the slogan : down with wang er !
down with chen qingyang !
after this round of public denouncement , we think we be do with it .
but we still have to write confession because the leader want to read they .
on the back slope of the fifteenth team , chen qingyang , seize with a impulse once , say she be go to bear a litter of young for i , but i be not interested .
later i think have baby be not a bad idea .
but when i mention it to she , she change she mind .
and she always think that it be i who want to have sex .
she say , if you feel like it , just do it .
i do not care .
i think it would be too selfish if it be only for i .
so i rarely ask for it .
besides , cultivate the wilderness be very tiring and i do not have the energy for it .
what i could confess be that i fondle she breast when we rest at the edge of the field .
when we cultivate the wilderness in the dry season , hot air be all around .
we do not sweat at all , but we muscle feel dry and painful .
on the hottest day , we could only sleep under a tree , with head pillow on bamboo stalk and body lie on palmbark rain cape .
i wonder why nobody ask i to confess about the palm-bark rain cape , one of the labor-protection supplies for we farm , and very expensive .
i bring two along ; one be mine , the other one i pick up conveniently from someone 's doorway .
i return neither of they to the farm .
even when i leave yunnan , no one ask i to return the palm-bark rain cape .
during we break at the edge of the field , chen qingyang cover she face with a bamboo hat , open she shirt collar , and immediately fall asleep .
i reach in , feel the beautiful curve .
after a while , i unbutton a few more button , see that she skin be pink .
even though she always work with she clothes on , the sunshine still get through the thin fabric .
as for i , work bare to the waist , i have turn as black as a devil .
chen qingyang 's breast be two firm scoop , even when she lay back .
but the other part of she body be very slender .
she have not change much in twenty year , except that she nipple have grow a little bit bigger and darker .
she say the culprit be she daughter .
when the child be a newborn , she look like a pink baby pig .
with eye close , she swoop down on she mother 's nipple suck with all she might , until she mother become a old woman and she a beautiful young woman , a young version of she mother .
a older woman now , chen qingyang have become more sensitive .
when we relive we old day in the hotel , she seem nervous about such subject .
she have not be that way before .
back when i hesitate to mention she breast in the confession , she say , just write it down .
i say , you would be expose then .
she say , let i be expose .
i do not care .
she also say she breast be make this way .
it be not like she have do something to fake they .
as for what other people think when they hear about they , it be not she problem .
after all those year , i just discover that chen qingyang be actually my ex-wife .
after we finish we confession , they want we to get marry .
i think it be unnecessary .
but the leader say that not get marry would have a very bad influence and insist that we register .
so we register to get marry in the morning and divorce in the afternoon .
i think it have not count .
in the confusion they forget to take we marriage certificate back , and so chen qingyang keep one for herself .
we use this shabby certificate issue to we twenty year ago to get a double room .
without this , we would not be allow to stay in the same room .
it be different twenty year ago .
twenty year ago they let we stay in the same hotel room to write we confession , and back then we do not even have the marriage certificate .
i write about what we have do on the back slope .
but the regional leader ask the security comrade to pass on a message to i , say that i could skip over the irrelevant detail .
just move on to the next case .
hearing this , i lose my stubborn-as-amule temper : the motherfucker !
be this a case ?
chen qingyang try to help i understand : how many people be there in the world ?
how many time do people do it every day ?
and how many of they be important enough to be call case ?
i say actually they be all case .
it be just that the leader could not check on they all .
she say , well then , just confess .
so i confess : that night , we leave the back slope and return to the scene of the crime .
