那天晚上我没走掉。 陈清扬把我拽住，以伟大友谊的名义叫我留下来。 I did not leave that night—Chen Qingyang caught me and asked me to stay in the name of our great friendship. 她承认打我不对，也承认没有好好待我，但是她说我的伟大友谊是假的，还说，我把她骗出来就是想研究她的结构。 She admitted that she'd been wrong to slap me, and that she hadn't treated me well. But she said my great friendship was phony, and the reason I had tricked her into coming was to study her anatomy. 我说，既然我是假的，你信我干吗。 I said if she thought I was a faker, why did she believe me? 我是想研究一下她的结构，这也是在她的许可之下。 I did want to study her anatomy, but that was with her permission, too. 假如不乐意可以早说，动手就打不够意思。 If she didn't like the idea, she could have told me before. In any case, slapping me was unfair. 后来她哈哈大笑了一阵说，她简直见不得我身上那个东西。 She laughed hard for a while and said she simply couldn't bear the sight of that thing on my body. 那东西傻头傻脑，恬不知耻，见了它，她就不禁怒从心起。 It looked silly and shameless, and whenever she saw him, she just couldn't help getting angry. 我们俩吵架时，仍然是不着一丝。 We didn't have a stitch on while we argued. 我的小和尚依然直挺挺，在月光下披了一身塑料，倒是闪闪发光。 My little Buddha still stuck out, glittering in the moonlight as if wrapped in plastic. 我听了这话不高兴，她也发现了。 I was a little offended by what she said and she realized that too. 于是她用和解的口气说：不管怎么说，这东西丑得要命，你承不承认？ So to make peace, she softened her tone and said, "Anyway, he is breathtakingly ugly—don't you agree?" 这东西好像个发怒的眼镜蛇一样立在那里，是不大好看。 Standing there like an angry cobra, the thing was indeed homely. 我说，既然你不愿意见它，那就算了。 I said, since you don't even want to look at him, let's just forget the whole thing. 我想穿上裤子，她又说，别这样。 I began to put on my pants, but again she said, Don't! 于是我抽起烟来。 So I started smoking. 等我抽完了一支烟，她抱住我。 我们俩在草地上干那件事。 The moment I had the cigarette finished, she embraced me and we did it on the grass. 我过二十一岁生日以前，是一个童男子。 那天晚上我引诱了陈清扬和我到山上去。 Until my twenty-first birthday I was a virgin, but that night I lured Chen Qingyang up the mountain with me. 那一夜开头有月光，后来月亮落下去，出来一天的星星，就像早上的露水一样多。 At first there was moonlight, then the moon set and a sky full of stars came out, as numerous as dewdrops in the morning. 那天晚上没有风，山上静得很。 There was no wind that night either; the mountain was very still. 我已经和陈清扬做过爱，不再是童男子了。 Having made love to Chen Qingyang, I was no longer a virgin. 但是我一点也不高兴。 However, I wasn't feeling happy at all. 因为我干那事时，她一声也不吭，头枕双臂，若有所思地看着我，所以从始至终就是我一个人在表演。 That was because when I was doing it, she didn't make a sound; she simply put her arms under her head and looked at me in a very thoughtful way. So from beginning to end it was just my solo performance. 其实我也没持续多久，马上就完了。 In fact, I didn't last too long. I finished almost right away. 事毕我既愤怒又沮丧。 After that I was angry and upset. 陈清扬说，她简直不敢相信这件事是真的： Chen Qingyang said she couldn't believe it: 我居然在她面前亮出了丑恶的男性生殖器，丝毫不感到惭愧。 I actually had the impudence to display my ugly male organ in front of her, without feeling the least embarrassed. 那玩意也不感到惭愧，直挺挺地从她两腿之间插了进来。 The thing didn't feel embarrassed either; it just forced its way straight into the hole between her thighs. 因为女孩子身上有这么个口子，男人就要使用她，这简直没有道理。 Because there is this hole in a woman's body, a man thinks he has to use it, which just doesn't make sense. 以前她有个丈夫，天天对她做这件事。 When she had a husband before, he did this to her every day. 她一直不说话，等着他有一天自己感到惭愧，自己来解释为什么干了这些。 All the time she kept the question to herself, waiting for the day when he felt ashamed of himself and would explain why he did this to her. 可是他什么也没说，直到进了监狱。 But he never apologized, and then he went to prison. 这话我也不爱听。 These were things I didn't want to hear. 所以我说：既然你不乐意，为什么要答应？ So I asked her if she hadn't felt like doing it, why had she agreed? 她说她不愿被人看成小气鬼。 She said she didn't want to be considered small-minded. 我说你原本就是小气鬼。 I said, You're a small-minded person anyway. 后来她说算了，别为这事吵架。 Then she said, Never mind, let's not fight about it. 她叫我晚上再来这里，我们再试一遍。 She told me to return that evening, and we'd try it one more time. 也许她会喜欢。 Maybe she'd like it. 我什么也没说。 I didn't say anything. 早上起雾以后，我和她分了手，下山去放牛。 In the foggy dawn, I left her and went down the mountain to herd buffalo. 那天晚上我没去找她，倒进了医院。 这事原委是这样：早上我到牛圈门前时，有一伙人等不及我，已经在开圈拉牛。 I didn't go to see her that night, instead I went to the hospital, the reason being: when I got to the cattle pen in the morning, a bunch of people couldn't wait for me and had opened the pen and dragged the buffalo out. 大家都挑壮牛去犁田。 Everyone was trying to pick out a strong one for plowing the fields. 有个本地小伙子，叫三闷儿，正在拉一条大白牛。 A local youth called Shan Men Er was pulling out a large white one. 我走过去，告诉他，这牛被毒蛇咬了，不能干活。 I went over to tell him that the buffalo had been bitten by a poisonous snake and couldn't work. 他似乎没听见。 我劈手把牛鼻绳夺了下来，他就朝我挥了一巴掌。 He didn't seem to hear me, so I snatched the tether from him and he slapped me without thinking. 我当胸推了他一把，推了他一个屁股蹲儿。 I shoved him right in the chest, pushing him down on his butt. 然后很多人拥了上来，把我们拥在中间要打架。 Then people began to gather, forming a tight ring around us and urging us to fight. 北京知青一伙，当地青年一伙，抄起了棍棒和皮带。 With the students from Beijing on one side and the country boys on the other, everyone chose a weapon, either a wooden stick or a leather belt. 吵了一会儿，又说不打架，让我和三闷儿摔跤，三闷儿摔不过我，就动了拳头。 They argued for a while, then decided not to fight but to make Shan Men Er and I wrestle. Unable to beat me at wrestling, Shan Men Er began to punch me. 我一脚把三闷儿踢进了圈前的粪坑，让他沾了一身牛屎。 I kicked him into a manure pit right in front of the cattle pen for a shit bath. 三闷儿爬起来，抢了一把三齿要砍我，别人劝开了。 He got up, grabbed a pitchfork, and tried to stab me, but somebody stopped him. 早上的事情就是这样。 That was what happened in the morning. 晚上我放牛回来，队长说我殴打贫下中农，要开我的斗争会。 When I came back from herding buffalo in the evening, the team leader accused me of beating peasants, saying that he was going to call a meeting to denounce me. 我说你想借机整人，我也不是好惹的。 I told him that he could take his chances and give me trouble, but I was no pushover. 我还说要聚众打群架。 I also told him that I would get some people together for a gang fight. 队长说他没想整我，是三闷儿的娘闹得他没办法。 The team leader said he didn't want to give me a hard time; it was Shan Men Er's mother who was giving him a hard time. 那婆娘是个寡妇，泼得厉害。 The woman was a widow, a real bitch. 他说此地的规矩就是这样。 He said that's the way it goes around here. 后来他说，不开斗争会，改为帮助会，让我上前面去检讨一下。 Later he said he was not going to arrange a denouncing meeting but a helping meeting. I could just stand in front of people and do a self-criticism. 要是我还不肯，就让寡妇来找我。 If I still didn't agree, he was going to let the widow come after me. 会开得很乱。 The meeting was a complete mess. 老乡们七嘴八舌，说知青太不像话，偷鸡摸狗还打人。 The locals all talked at once, saying that the city students had gone too far—we not only took their chickens and stole their dogs, but also beat their people. 知青们说放狗屁，谁偷东西，你们当场拿住了吗？ The city students said, That's bullshit! Who stole your chickens and dogs? Did you catch us in the act? 老子们是来支援边疆建设，又不是充军的犯人，哪能容你们乱栽赃。 We're here to build up our country's borderland. We aren't some criminals in exile. Why should we put up with casual slander? 我在前面也不检讨，只是骂。 Standing in front of the crowd, I didn't do self-criticism but called them names. 不提防三闷儿的娘从后面摸上来，抄起一条沉甸甸的拔秧凳，给了我后腰一下，正砸在我的旧伤上，登时我就背过去了。 I didn't expect Shan Men Er's mother to sneak up from behind, pick up a heavy stool, and slam my lower back, right on my old injury. I passed out instantly. 我醒过来时，罗小四领了一伙人呐喊着要放火烧牛圈，还说要三闷儿的娘抵命。 By the time I came around, Luo Xiaosi had gathered a group of city students and was threatening to burn the cattle pen. He also said he'd make Shan Men Er's mother pay with her life. 队长领了一帮人去制止，副队长叫人抬我上牛车去医院。 The team leader took a bunch of locals to stop them. Meanwhile, the vice team leader told someone to take me to the hospital on an ox cart. 卫生员说抬不得，腰杆断了，一抬就死。 The nurse said they shouldn't try to move me since my back was broken, and I'd be done for. 我说腰杆好像没断，你们快把我抬走。 I said, My back seems OK and you guys can just carry me. 可是谁也不敢肯定我的腰杆是断了还是没断，所以也不敢肯定我会不会一抬就死。 However, since none of them was sure about whether or not my back was broken, they were all afraid to move me. 我就一直躺着。 So I had no choice but to stay put. 后来队长过来一问，就说：快摇电话把陈清扬叫下来，让她看看腰断了没有。 Finally, the team leader came over and said, Go phone Chen Qingyang. Let her check his back. 过了不一会儿，陈清扬披头散发眼皮红肿地跑了来，劈头第一句话就是：你别怕，要是你瘫了，我照顾你一辈子。 After a short while, Chen Qingyang ran over, with messy hair and puffy eyelids. The first thing she said was: Don't worry. If you're paralyzed, I'll take care of you for the rest of my life. 然后一检查，诊断和我自己的相同。 Then she checked my back and her diagnosis was the same as mine. 于是我就坐上牛车，到总场医院去看病。 So they carried me to the ox cart and sent me to the hospital at the farm headquarters. 那天夜里陈清扬把我送到医院，一直等到腰部X光片子出来，看过认为没问题后才走。 That night Chen Qingyang accompanied me to the hospital and waited until the x-ray of my lower back was developed. She left after making sure everything was fine. 她说过一两天就来看我，可是一直没来。 She said she would come back to visit me in a couple of days, but she never did. 我住了一个星期，可以走动了，就奔回去找她。 I was hospitalized for a whole week, and once I could get around, I went straight back to see her. 我走进陈清扬的医务室时，身上背了很多东西，装得背篓里冒了尖。 When I walked into Chen Qingyang's clinic, I carried so many things on my back that my pack was overflowing. 除了锅碗盆瓢，还有足够两人吃一个月的东西。 In addition to a wok, bowls, a basin, and ladle, there was enough food for two of us to eat for an entire month. 她见我进来，淡淡地一笑，说你好了吗，带这些东西上哪儿。 When she saw me come into her clinic, she gave me a faint smile and said, Are you completely recovered? Where are you going with all that stuff? 我说要去清平洗温泉。 I said I was going to the Qingping thermal springs to bathe. 她懒懒地往椅子上一仰说，这很好。 She leaned back languidly in her chair and said, That's a great idea. 温泉可以治旧伤。 The thermal springs might cure your old injury. 我说我不是真去洗温泉，而是到后面山上住几天。 I said I wasn't really going to the thermal springs. I just wanted to stay on the back slope of the mountain for a few days. 她说后面山上什么都没有，还是去洗温泉吧。 She said there is nothing on the back of the mountain. Better go to the thermal springs. 清平的温泉是山坳里一片泥坑，周围全是荒草坡。 The Qingping thermal springs were mud pools located in a valley, surrounded by nothing but wild, grassy hills. 有一些病人在山坡上搭了窝棚，成年住在那里，其中得什么病的都有。 The people who built huts on the hills and lived there year-round were usually patients with a variety of diseases. 我到那里不但治不好病，还可能染上麻风。 If I went there, not only wouldn't it cure the pain in my lower back, but worse, I might get leprosy. 而后面荒山里的低洼处沟谷纵横，疏林之中芳草离离，我在人迹绝无的地方造了一间草房，空山无人，流水落花，住在里面可以修身养性。 However, the lowland on the back slope of the deserted mountain was crisscrossed with gullies and ditches; and fragrant grass grew lush in the sparse woods. I could build a thatched hut in some deserted spot, an empty mountain with no human trace—gurgling water with fallen petals. A place like that would help cultivate morality and nourish the inner nature. 陈清扬听了，禁不住一笑说：那地方怎么走？ When Chen Qingyang heard this she couldn't help smiling. How do you get to that place? 也许我去看看你。 Maybe I'll go there to visit you. 我告诉她路，还画了一张示意图，自己进山去了。 I gave her directions and even made a map for her, and then went into the mountains alone. 我走进荒山，陈清扬没有去看我。 After I got to the desolate mountainside, Chen Qingyang didn't come to see me right away. 旱季里浩浩荡荡的风刮个不停，整个草房都在晃动。 The strong wind of the dry season blew endlessly, shaking the thatched hut. 陈清扬坐在椅子上听着风声，回想起以往发生的事情，对一切都起了怀疑。 Sitting in a chair and listening to the sound of the wind, Chen Qingyang would look back at what happened and begin to have doubts about everything. 她很难相信自己会莫名其妙地来到这极荒凉的地方，又无端地被人称做破鞋，然后就真的搞起了破鞋。 It was hard for her to believe that she had come to these backwoods in a haze, had begun to be called damaged goods for no reason, and then turned into real damaged goods. 这件事真叫人难以置信。 The whole thing was just unbelievable. 陈清扬说，有时候她走出房门，往后山上看，看到山丘中有很多小路蜿蜒通到深山里去。 Chen Qingyang said that sometimes she would step out of her room and look in the direction of the back slope of the mountain, seeing the many paths winding through the valley and leading deep into the mountains. 我对她说的话言犹在耳。 My words still echoed in her ears. 她知道沿着一条路走进山去，就会找到我。 She knew that any of those paths would take her to me. 这是无可怀疑的事。 There was no doubt about it. 但是越是无可怀疑的事就越值得怀疑。 But the more certain something was, the more doubtful it became. 很可能那条路不通到任何地方，很可能王二不在山里，很可能王二根本就不存在。 Maybe the path didn't lead anywhere; maybe Wang Er was not in the mountains; maybe Wang Er didn't exist at all. 过了几天，罗小四带了几个人到医院去找我。 A couple of days later, Luo Xiaosi brought several people to the hospital to see me. 医院里没人听说过王二，更没人知道他上哪儿去了。 No one in the hospital had ever heard of Wang Er, so nobody knew where he had gone. 那时节医院里肝炎流行，没染上肝炎的病人都回家去疗养，大夫也纷纷下队去送医上门。 At the time the hospital was rampant with hepatitis. The uninfected patients all fled to their homes to recuperate, and the doctors went down to the production team to provide medical care. 罗小四等人回到队里，发现我的东西都不见了，就去问队长可见过王二。 Luo Xiaosi came back to the fourteenth team and found my stuff gone, so he went to ask the team leader whether he had seen me. 队长说，谁是王二？ The team leader said, Who's Wang Er? 从来没听说过。 Never heard of him. 罗小四说前几天你还开会斗争过他，尖嘴婆打了他一板凳，差点把他打死。 Luo Xiaosi said, Just a few days ago you called a meeting to denounce him, and the vixen hit him with a stool and almost killed him. 这样提醒了以后，队长就更想不起来我是谁了。 Having been reminded that way, the team leader was even more reluctant to refresh his memory about me. 那时节有一个北京知青慰问团要来调查知青在下面的情况，尤其是有无被捆打逼婚等情况，因此队长更不乐意想起我来。 It just so happened that at the time a relief delegation from Beijing was coming to investigate how the city students were treated in the countryside, especially whether any had been tied up, beaten, or forced to marry the locals. Because of this, the team leader was even more unwilling to remember me. 罗小四又到十五队问陈清扬可曾见过我，还闪烁其词地暗示她和我有过不正当的关系。 Luo Xiaosi then made his way to the fifteenth team, asking Chen Qingyang whether she had seen me, and hinting in a roundabout sort of way that she'd had an indecent relationship with me. 陈清扬则表示，她对此一无所知。 Chen Qingyang then told him that she knew nothing about me. 等到罗小四离开，陈清扬就开始糊涂了。 By the time Luo Xiaosi left, Chen Qingyang was confused. 看来有很多人说，王二不存在。 It seemed many people didn't believe Wang Er so much as existed. 这件事叫人困惑的原因就在这里。 That's what confused people. 大家都说存在的东西一定不存在，这是因为眼前的一切都是骗局。 大家都说不存在的东西一定存在，比如王二，假如他不存在，这个名字是从哪里来的？ What everyone thinks exists must not exist, because everything before our eyes is illusion; what everyone doesn't think exists must exist, like Wang Er. If he didn't exist, where did his name come from? 陈清扬按捺不住好奇心，终于扔下一切，上山找我来了。 Unable to overcome her curiosity, Chen Qingyang finally dropped everything and went up the mountain to look for me. 我被尖嘴婆打了一板凳后晕了过去，陈清扬曾经从山上跑下来看我。 After the vixen knocked me out with a stool, Chen Qingyang ran all the way down the mountain to see me. 当时她还忍不住哭了起来，并且当众说，如果我好不了要照顾我一辈子。 She even cried in public and declared that if I didn't recover, she would take care of me all her life. 结果我并没有死，连瘫都没瘫。 这对我是很好的事，可是陈清扬并不喜欢。 It turned out not only did I live, but I wasn't even paralyzed, which was a good thing for me though she wasn't crazy about it. 这等于当众暴露了她是破鞋。 It was almost as if she'd confessed publicly that she was damaged goods. 假如我死，或是瘫掉，就是应该的事，可是我在医院里只住了一个星期就跑出来。 If I'd died, or become paralyzed, it would have then been morally justified. But I had only stayed in the hospital for a week and then run away. 对她来说，我就是那个急匆匆从山上赶下去的背影，一个记忆中的人。 To her, I was the precise image of someone seen from behind, hurrying down the mountain, a man in her memory. 她并不想和我做爱，也不想和我搞破鞋，除非有重大的原因。 She didn't want to make love to me, nor did she want to carry on a love affair with me either. 因此她来找我就是真正的破鞋行径。 So, without a very important reason, her visiting me would be the act of a woman who was truly damaged goods. 陈清扬说，她决定上山找我时，在白大褂底下什么都没穿。 Chen Qingyang said that when she decided to head up the mountain to search for me, she didn't have anything on under her white smock. 她就这样走过十五队后面的那片山包。 Dressed like this, she crossed a stretch of hills behind the fifteenth team. 那些小山上长满了草，草下是红土。 Those hills were thick with grass, and under the grass lay red soil. 上午风从山上往平坝里吹，冷得像山上的水，下午风吹回来，带着燥热和尘土。 In the morning the wind blew down the mountain to the plateau, cold as a mountain spring, and in the afternoon the wind returned, full of heat and dust. 陈清扬来找我时，乘着白色的风。 Chen Qingyang came riding on a white wind to look for me. 风从衣服下面钻进来，流过全身，好像爱抚和嘴唇。 The wind got under her clothes and flowed all over her body, like caresses and lips. 其实她不需要我，也没必要找到我。 In fact, she didn't really need me, nor did she have to find me. 以前人家说她是破鞋，说我是她的野汉子时，她每天都来找我。 When people said she was damaged goods and I was her lover, she came to see me every day. 那时好像有必要。 It seemed necessary back then, though. 自从她当众暴露了她是破鞋，我是她的野汉子后，再没人说她是破鞋，更没人在她面前提到王二（除了罗小四）。 Ever since she admitted in public she was damaged goods, and I was her lover, no one said she was damaged goods anymore, let alone mentioned my name in front of her (except for Luo Xiaosi). 大家对这种明火执仗的破鞋行径是如此的害怕，以致连说都不敢啦。 People were so afraid of this kind of damaged-goods behavior in broad daylight that they didn't even dare talk about it. 关于北京要来人视察知青的事，当地每个人都知道，只有我不知道。 As for the Beijing relief delegation sent to investigate the city students' situation, everyone in the local area knew about it except for me. 这是因为我前些日子在放牛，早出晚归，而且名声不好，谁也不告诉我，后来住了院，也没人来看找。 That was because lately I had been off herding buffalo, which required going out early in the morning and coming back late at night; besides that, I had a bad reputation and no one bothered to tell me. Later, when I was in the hospital, nobody came to see me either. 等到我出院以后，就进了深山。 When I left the hospital, I went deep into the mountains almost right away. 在我进山之前，总共就见到了两个人，一个是陈清扬，她没有告诉我这件事。 另一个是我们队长，他也没说起这件事，只叫我去温泉养病。 I saw only two people before my trip, one of whom was Chen Qingyang, who hadn't mentioned it; the other one was our team leader, who also hadn't said anything other than telling me to take a good rest at the thermal springs. 我告诉他，我没有东西（食品、炊具等等），所以不能去温泉。 I told him that I didn't have anything (food, utensils, etc.), so I couldn't go to the thermal springs. 他说他可以借给我。 He said he could lend me some things. 我说我借了不一定还，他说不要紧。 I told him that I might not be able to return them. He said it didn't matter. 我就向他借了不少家制的腊肉和香肠。 So I borrowed plenty of homemade smoked meat and sausages. 陈清扬不告诉我这件事是因为她不关心，她不是知青。 Chen Qingyang didn't give me the information because she didn't care about it—she was not one of the city students. 队长不告诉我这件事，是因为他以为我已经知道了。 The team leader didn't tell me because he thought I knew already. 他还以为我拿了很多吃的东西走，就不会再回来。 He also thought that since I took so much food with me I probably wouldn't come back. 所以罗小四问他王二到哪儿去了时，他说：王二？ That was why when Luo Xiaosi asked him where Wang Er had gone, he said, Wang Er? 谁叫王二？ Who's Wang Er? 从没听说过。 Never heard of him. 对于罗小四等人来说，找到我有很大的好处，我可以证明大家在此地受到很坏的待遇，经常被打晕。 For those like Luo Xiaosi, it would have been a great advantage to find me—I could prove that the city students in the area were treated badly, often beaten senseless. 对于领导来说，我不存在有很大的便利，可以说明此地没有一个知青被打晕。 For our team leader, my nonexistence was very convenient, because then no one could prove any of the city students had been beaten senseless. 对于我自己来说，存在不存在没有很大的关系。 To me, it didn't really matter whether I existed or not. 假如没有人来找我，我在附近种点玉米，可以永远不出来。 If no one came to look for me, I could grow some corn around the place and never leave. 就因为这个原因，我对自己存不存在的事不太关心。 So I didn't really care whether I existed or not. 我在小屋里也想过自己存不存在的问题。 I also thought about the problem of whether I existed or not in my little thatched hut. 比方说，别人说我和陈清扬搞破鞋，这就是存在的证明。 For example, others believed that Chen Qingyang had slept with me and that proved my existence. 用罗小四的话来说，王二和陈清扬脱了裤子干。 In Luo Xiaosi's words, Wang Er and Chen Qingyang took off their pants and screwed. 其实他也没看见。 他想象的极限就是我们脱裤子。 Actually he didn't see any of it, but the extent of his imagination was that we took off our pants. 还有陈清扬说，我从山上下来，穿着黄军装，走得飞快。 And there was Chen Qingyang, who said that I hurried down the mountain in my green fatigues. 我自己并不知道我走路是不回头的。 It never crossed my mind that I didn't look back as I walked. 因为这些事我无从想象，所以是我存在的证明。 Since I couldn't imagine these things, they must be evidence of my existence. 还有我的小和尚直挺挺，这件事也不是我想出来的。 Then there was this little Buddha of mine, stiff and straight, and that was something I couldn't invent either. 我始终盼着陈清扬来看我，但陈清扬始终没有来。 I always expected Chen Qingyang to come to see me, but she never came. 她来的时候，我没有盼着她来。 By the time she finally showed up, I had learned not to expect her. 我曾经以为陈清扬在我进山后会立即来看我，但是我错了。 I used to believe that Chen Qingyang would come to see me immediately after I went up the mountain, but I was wrong. 我等了很久，后来不再等了。 I waited for a long time and then decided to give up. 我坐在小屋里，听着满山树叶哗哗响，终于到了物我两忘的境界。 I sat in my little hut, listening to the leaves rustling all over the mountain, finally reaching a state where object and subject were both forgotten. 我听见浩浩荡荡的空气大潮从我头顶涌过，正是我灵魂里潮兴之时。 正如深山里花开，龙竹笋剥剥地爆去笋壳，直翘翘地向上。 I listened to the mighty air currents surging over my head, and just then a wave rose from my soul, as flowers bloom in the midst of the mountains and bamboo husks fall from the shoots and the bamboo stands up straight. 到潮退时我也安息，但潮兴时要乘兴而舞。 When the wave receded, I would rest calmly, but I wanted to dance while the wave was at its peak. 正巧这时陈清扬来到草屋门口，她看见我赤条条坐在竹板床上，阳具就如剥了皮的兔子，红通通亮晶晶足有一尺长，直立在那里，登时惊慌失措，叫了起来。 Chen Qingyang arrived at my thatched hut precisely at that moment and caught sight of me sitting naked on the bamboo bed. My penis was like a skinned rabbit, red, shiny, and a foot long, frankly erect. Panicked, Chen Qingyang immediately screamed. 陈清扬到山里找我的事又可以简述如下： Chen Qingyang's search for me could be summed up as follows: 我进山后两个星期，她到山里找我。 Two weeks after I went into the mountains, she went up the mountains to look for me. 当时是下午两点钟，可是她像那些午夜淫奔的妇人一样，脱光了内衣，只穿一件白大褂，赤着脚走进山来。 It was only two o'clock in the afternoon, but she took off her underwear, like women who sneak out for sex at midnight, and wore only a white smock, walking barefoot in the mountains. 她就这样走过阳光下的草地，走进了一条干河沟，在河沟里走了很久。 She crossed a sunlit meadow, entered a dry gully, and walked for a long time. 这些河沟很乱，可是她连一个弯都没转错。 Even through the maze of gullies, she didn't make a single wrong turn. 后来她又从河沟里出来，走进一个向阳的山洼，看见一间新搭的草房。 Later she emerged from the gully, walked into a valley facing the sun, and saw a thatched hut that seemed newly built. 假如没有一个王二告诉她这条路，她不可能在茫茫荒山里找到一间草房。 If there had been no Wang Er to tell her the route, she wouldn't have been able to find such a tiny hut in the vast, wild mountains. 可是她走进草房，看到王二就坐在床上，小和尚直挺挺，却吓得尖叫起来。 But as she entered the hut and saw Wang Er sitting on the bed, his little Buddha stiff, she was frightened into screaming. 陈清扬后来说，她没法相信她所见到的每件事都是真的。 真的事要有理由。 Later Chen Qingyang said she just couldn't believe everything she had experienced was real, because something real needs to have a cause. 当时她脱了衣服，坐在我的身边，看着我的小和尚，只见它的颜色就像烧伤的疤痕。 Yet at the time she just took off her white smock, sat beside me, and stared at my little Buddha, thinking he was the color of a burn scar. 这时我的草房在风里摇晃，好多阳光从房顶上漏下来，星星点点落在她身上。 Just then my thatched hut began to shake in the wind, streams of sunlight leaked through the roof and spattered her body, like stars. 我伸手去触她的乳头，直到她脸上泛起红晕，乳房坚挺。 I reached out my hand and touched her nipples, until her face flushed and her nipples turned hard. 忽然她从迷梦里醒来，羞得满脸通红。 Suddenly she woke from her trance, her face blushing with embarrassment. 于是她紧紧地抱住我。 Then she embraced me tightly. 我和陈清扬是第二次做爱，第一次做爱的很多细节当时我大惑不解。 It was the second time that I made love to Chen Qingyang. When we first made love, many details puzzled me. 后来我才明白，她对被称做破鞋一事，始终耿耿于怀。 Not until much later did I finally figure out how much she had really taken to heart being called damaged goods. 既然不能证明她不是破鞋，她就乐于成为真正的破鞋。 就像那些被当场捉了奸的女人一样，被人叫上台去交待那些偷情的细节。 Since she couldn't prove she wasn't damaged goods, she consented to becoming damaged goods, like the women caught in the act and summoned on stage to confess the details of their adultery. 等到那些人听到情不能持，丑态百出时，怪叫一声：把她捆起来！ The confessions would reach a point when the audience, unable to restrain themselves, their faces twisted into hundreds of masks of lust, would shout, Tie her up! 就有人冲上台去，用细麻绳把她五花大绑，她就这样站在人前，受尽羞辱。 Then someone would rush onto the stage and bind her into the loops of a five-petal knot with thin hemp twine. She stood like this in front of the crowd, submitting herself to all the shame and insults. 这些事一点也不讨厌。 That didn't bother her at all. 她也不怕被人剥得精赤条条，拴到一扇磨盘上，扔到水塘里淹死。 或者像以前达官贵人家的妻妾一样，被强迫穿得整整齐齐，脸上贴上湿透的黄裱纸，端坐着活活憋死。 She wouldn't have been afraid of being stripped naked, strapped to a millstone, and thrown into a pond; nor would she have feared being forced to dress up, like the wives and concubines of wealthy men, their faces covered with water-soaked yellow paper, sitting upright until they smothered to death. 这些事都一点也不讨厌。 No, these things wouldn't have bothered her at all. 她丝毫也不怕成为破鞋，这比被人叫做破鞋而不是破鞋好得多。 She was not the least bit worried about becoming actual damaged goods, which she much preferred to being damaged goods in name only. 她所讨厌的是使她成为破鞋那件事本身。 What disgusted her was the act that made her damaged goods. 我和陈清扬做爱时，一只蜥蜴从墙缝里爬了进来，走走停停地经过房中间的地面。 When I made love to Chen Qingyang, a lizard crawled out of a crack in the wall and crossed the ground in the middle of the room, moving intermittently. 忽然它受到惊动，飞快地出去，消失在门口的阳光里。 Then suddenly startled, it fled quickly, disappearing into the sunshine outside the door. 这时陈清扬的呻吟就像泛滥的洪水，在屋里蔓延。 Just at that moment Chen Qingyang's moans flooded out, filling the entire room. 我为此所惊，伏下身不动。 I was scared and stopped, leaning over her body. 可是她说，快，混蛋。 还拧我的腿。 But she pinched my leg and said: Hurry, you idiot! 等我“快”了以后，阵阵震颤就像从地心传来。 I sped up and waves of vibration passed through me as if from the earth's core. 后来她说，她觉得自己罪孽深重，早晚要遭报应。 Afterward, she said she had fallen deep into sin and karma would catch up with her sooner or later. 她说自己要遭报应时，一道红晕正从她的胸口褪去。 When she said that, the band of flush was fading from her chest. 那时我们的事情还没完。 At the time we hadn't finished our business yet. 但她的口气是说，她只会为在此之前的事遭报应。 So she made it sound like she would only be punished for what she had just done. 忽然之间我从头顶到尾骨一齐收紧，开始极其猛烈地射精。 Suddenly a shudder traveled from the top of my head to my tailbone and I began to ejaculate wildly. 这事与她无关，大概只有我会为此遭报应。 Since this had nothing to do with her, perhaps I would be the only one punished for it. 后来陈清扬告诉我，罗小四到处找我。 Later Chen Qingyang told me that Luo Xiaosi had looked for me everywhere. 他到医院找我时，医院说我不存在。 他找队长问我时，队长也说我不存在。 最后他来找陈清扬，陈清扬说，既然大家都说他不存在，大概他就是不存在吧，我也没有意见。 He went to the hospital, and people there told him that I didn't exist; then he went to our team leader, who also said that I didn't exist; finally, he went to Chen Qingyang. Chen Qingyang told him that since everyone said he didn't exist, maybe he didn't. She had no problem with that. 罗小四听了这话，禁不住哭了起来。 When he heard this, Luo Xiaosi couldn't help crying. 我听了这话，觉得很奇怪。 I felt very strange after I heard her words. 我不应该因为尖嘴婆打了我一下而存在，也不应该因为她打了我一下而不存在。 I shouldn't come into existence simply because a vixen hit me, nor should I stop existing because she hit me. 事实上，我的存在乃是不争的事实。 Actually, my existence was an indisputable fact. 我就为这一点钻了牛角尖。 So I became obsessed. 为了验证这不争的事实，慰问团来的那一天，我从山上奔了下去，来到了座谈会的会场上。 To prove the indisputable fact, I went down the mountain the day the relief delegation arrived and took part in the delegation's hearing. 散会以后，队长说，你这个样子不像有病。 After the hearing, the team leader said, You don't look sick at all. 还是回来喂猪吧。 I think you'd better come back to feed the pigs. 他还组织人力，要捉我和陈清扬的奸。 He also arranged for people to trail Chen Qingyang and me, trying to catch us in the act of adultery. 当然，要捉我不容易，我的腿非常快。 Of course, it was not easy to catch me because I walked so fast. 谁也休想跟踪我。 No one could successfully track me. 但是也给我添了很多麻烦。 However, this got me into a lot more trouble. 到了这个时候我才悟到，犯不着向人证明我存在。 By then I began to realize that it was really unnecessary for me to prove my existence to others. 我在队里喂猪时，每天要挑很多水。 When I fed the pigs for the production team, every day I had to carry buckets of water. 这个活计很累，连偷懒都不可能，因为猪吃不饱会叫唤。 It was really a tiring job, and impossible to slack off. The pigs would squeal if they didn't get enough food. 我还要切很多猪菜，劈很多柴。 I had to chop tons of vegetables and cut piles of wood. 喂这些猪原来要三个妇女，现在要我一个人干。 Originally there had been three women to do the job, but now the team leader assigned it all to me. 我发现我不能顶三个妇女，尤其是腰疼时。 I found that I could not manage three women's work, especially when my back hurt. 这时候我真想证明我不存在。 I really wanted to prove that I didn't exist then. 晚上我和陈清扬在小屋里做爱。 At night Chen Qingyang and I would make love in my small hut. 那时我对此事充满了敬业精神，对每次亲吻和爱抚都贯注了极大的热情。 In those days, I was full of respect for the task, enthusiastic about every kiss and caress. 无论是经典的传教士式，后进式，侧进式，女上位，我都能一丝不苟地完成。 Whether it was the classical missionary position, or man-from-behind position, man-from-side position, or woman-on-top position, I performed them in sober earnest. 陈清扬对此极为满意。 我也极为满意。 Chen Qingyang was very satisfied with my performance, and so was I. 在这种时候，我又觉得用不着去证明自己是存在的。 At those moments, I felt it was unnecessary to prove my existence. 从这些体会里我得到一个结论，就是永远别让别人注意你。 I drew a conclusion from these experiences: never let other people pay attention to you! 北京人说，不怕贼偷，就怕贼惦记。 Beijingers say: Better a thief should steal from you than keep you in mind. 你千万别让人惦记上。 You should never let other people keep you in mind. 过了一些时候，我们队的知青全调走了。 男的调到糖厂当工人，女的到农中去当老师。 After a while, the city students in our team were all transferred to other positions; the men landed work at the candy factory, and the women got to teach at the agricultural middle school. 单把我留下来喂猪，据说是因为我还没有改造好。 陈清扬说，我叫人惦记上了。 I was the only one left feeding those pigs. According to them that was because I was not reeducated enough, but Chen Qingyang said it was because someone kept me in mind. 这个人大概就是农场的军代表。 This "someone" might have been the military deputy on our farm. 她还说，军代表不是个好东西。 She also said the military deputy was a jerk. 原来她在医院工作，军代表要调戏她，被她打了个大嘴巴。 然后她就被发到十五队当队医。 She used to work in the hospital, but when the military deputy tried to grope her, she gave him a big slap, and afterward, she was sent down to the fifteenth production team to work as a team doctor. 十五队的水是苦的，也没有菜吃，待久了也觉得没有啥。 The fifteenth team's water was bitter, and there wasn't much to eat either. She got used to it after a while. 但是当初调她来，分明有修理一下的意思。 But it was clear from the start the military deputy just wanted to make trouble for her. 她还说，我准会被修到半死。 Chen Qingyang said that the military deputy would definitely not go easy on me, perhaps I would be kept-in-mind half to death. 我说过，他能把我怎么样？ I said: What can he do to me? 急了老子跑他娘。 If things get really bad, I can simply run the hell away. 后来的事都是由此而起。 What happened later all started there. 那天早上天色微明，我从山上下来，到猪场喂猪。 That morning, right at dawn, I went down the mountain to feed the pigs. 经过井台时，看见了军代表，他正在刷牙。 As I passed the village well, I saw the military deputy at the well stand brushing his teeth. 他把牙刷从嘴里掏出来，满嘴白沫地和我讲话，我觉得很讨厌，就一声不吭地走掉了。 He took the brush out of his mouth and talked to me with a mouth full of froth. I thought he was very disgusting, so I left without a word. 过了一会，他跑到猪场里，把我大骂了一顿，说你怎么敢走了。 Shortly afterward, he ran to the pigpen and shouted at me: How dare you walk away from me like that? 我听了这些话，一声不吭。 I kept silent as I heard the words. 就是他说我装哑巴，我也一声不吭。 Even when he accused me of playing dumb, I still said nothing. 然后我又走开了。 After a while I walked away again. 军代表到我们队来蹲点，蹲下来就不走了。 The military deputy came to our team to do some grassroots investigation and then stayed. 据他说，要不能从王二嘴里掏出话来，死也不甘心。 According to him, he wouldn't give up until he made Wang Er talk. 这件事有两种可能的原因，一是他下来视察，遇见了我对他装聋作哑，因而大怒，不走了。 二是他不是下来视察，而是听说陈清扬和我有了一腿，特地来找我的麻烦。 His visit could be accounted for in two ways: one was that he came down to our team for the investigation, but when he met someone like me who played dumb with him, he got pissed off and decided to stay; the other was that he came down to our team not for investigation, but to pick on me, after hearing that Chen Qingyang and I had a love affair. 不管他为何而来，反正我是一声也不吭，这叫他很没办法。 Whatever brought him to our team, I made up my mind to stay mute. He couldn't do anything about it. 军代表找我谈话，要我写交待材料。 The military deputy had a talk with me, asking me to write a confession. 他还说，我搞破鞋群众很气愤，如果我不交待，就发动群众来对付我。 He said that the masses were very angry about my love affair with Chen Qingyang. If I didn't confess, he would mobilize the masses to deal with me. 他还说，我的行为够上了坏分子，应该受到专政。 He also said my behavior met the criteria for my classification as one of "the bad elements," and I should be punished by the proletarian dictatorship. 我可以辩解说，我没搞破鞋。 I could have defended myself by saying I didn't have a love affair. 谁能证明我搞了破鞋？ Who could prove I did? 但我只是看着他，像野猪一样看他，像发傻一样看他，像公猫看母猫一样看他。 But I just stared at him, like a wild boar, like an idiot, like a male cat staring at a female one, until his anger vanished under my stare. 把他看到没了脾气，就让我走了。 Then he let me go. 最后他也没从我嘴里套出话来。 In the end, he still couldn't get anything out of me. 他甚至搞不清我是不是哑巴。 He wasn't even sure whether I was a mute or not. 别人说我不是哑巴，他始终不敢相信，因为他从来没听我说过一句话。 People told him that I wasn't a mute. He couldn't be sure since he had never heard me speak a single word. 他到今天想起我来，还是搞不清我是不是哑巴。 To this day, whenever he thinks of me, he still can't figure out if I am mute or not. 想起这一点，我就万分的高兴。 It makes me very happy whenever I think about it.