when we relive we great friendship later in the hotel room , we talk about all kind of thing .
we talk about everything we could have do back then , the confession i write , and even the little buddha of mine .
as soon as the thing hear people talk about he , he become excited and begin to stir .
so i conclude : back then they would want to hammer we but fail .
i be still as hard as ever .
for the sake of we great friendship , i would even run three time around the block , bare ass .
a person like i never care much about save face .
after all , that be my golden age , even though i be consider a hooligan .
i know a lot of people there , include the nomad in caravan , the old jingpo living on the mountain , and so on .
when you mention wang er who know how to fix watch , everyone know who he be .
i could sit with they by the fire and drink the kind of wine that only cost twenty fen for half a gallon .
i could drink a lot .
i be very popular there .
other than those people , the pig in the farm also like i .
that be because when i feed they , i use three time more bran than other do .
because of that i fight with the mess chief .
i say , at least we pig should have enough food .
i always have a lot of friendship , and would have like to share it with everyone .
since they do not want my friendship , i unloaded all of it on chen qingyang .
the strengthening of we great friendship that chen qingyang and i do while in the hotel room be of the recreational sort .
i pull out once in the middle of it and find my little buddha smear with blood .
she say , a older woman 's inside get a bit thin , do not push too hard .
she also say she would stay in the south so long that she hand crack when she come to the north .
the quality of skin cream have decline and it be no use put it on she hand .
after say this , she take out a small bottle of glycerin and apply some to my little buddha .
then we do it from the front so we could keep talk .
i feel like a wedge for splitting wood , lie between she widely open leg .
in the lamplight , the network of fine line on chen qingyang 's face look like piece of golden thread .
i kiss she mouth , and she do not object — that be to say she lip be soft and part .
she have not let i kiss she mouth before , only let i kiss the line between she chin and she neck .
she say this would arouse she .
then we continue to talk about thing past .
chen qingyang say that be also she golden age .
even though people call she damage goods , she be innocent .
she be still innocent now .
after hear this , i laugh .
but she say , what we be do now do not count as a sin .
we have a great friendship , run away , go on denouncement trip together , and now that we meet again after twenty year ' separation , of course she would open she leg to let i crawl in .
so even if it be consider a sin , she do not know where the sin lay .
more importantly , she have no knowledge of this sin .
then once again , she begin to breathe heavily .
she face turn scarlet , she leg lock i tightly , and she body beneath i tense while again and again muffle scream come through she clenched tooth .
only after a long while do she relax .
then she say it be not bad at all .
after the " not bad at all , " she still say it be no sin .
because she be like socrates , ignorant of everything .
even though she have live more than forty year , the world before she eye still appear miraculous and new .
she do not know why they dispatch she to a desolate place like yunnan , nor do she know the reason for let she return ; she do not know why they accuse she of be damage goods and escort she to the stage to be denounce , nor could she figure out why they say she be not damage goods and remove the confession she have write from she file .
there be all kind of explanation for these thing , but she understand none of they .
she be so ignorant that she have to be innocent .
so it be write in all the law book .
chen qingyang say , people live in this world to suffer torment until they die .
once you figure this out , you 'll be able to bear everything calmly .
to explain how she come to this realization , we need to go all the way back to the time i return from the hospital and leave for the mountain from she place .
i ask she to come to see i and she hesitate for a long time .
when she finally decide and walk through the hot noon air to my thatched hut , many beautiful image go through she mind during those moment .
then she enter the thatched hut and see my little buddha stick up like a ugly instrument of torture .
she cry out then and abandon all hope .
chen qingyang say , twenty year earlier , on a winter day , she walk into she courtyard .
she have on a cotton coat then , and climb across the threshold clumsily .
a grain of sand suddenly get into she eye .
it be so painful and the cold wind be so cut that she tear keep roll down .
she could not bear it and weep , as if she be in she little bed try to cry herself awake .
this be a old habit bear with she , deeply root , that we be wail we way from one dream into another — this be the extravagant hope that we all have .
chen qingyang say that when she go to look for i , golden fly dance in the wood .
the wind blow from every direction , penetrate she clothes and climb she body .
the place i live could be call a empty mountain without a human trace .
the burning sunlight drop from the height like shatter bit of mica .
beneath she thin , white smock , she have strip off all she underwear .
at that moment she heart , too , be full of extravagant hope .
after all , it be also she golden age , even though she be call damage goods .
chen qingyang say , when she go into the mountain to look for i , she climb over a bare hill .
wind blow in from below and caress she sensitive part .
and the desire she feel then be as unpredictable as wind .
it disperse just like the wild mountain wind .
she think about we great friendship , think about how i hurry down the mountain .
she also remember my head of tousled hair ; how directly i stare at she when i prove she be damage goods .
she feel she need i , and we could become one , female and male in a single body , just as when she crawl over the threshold as a child and feel the wind outside .
the sky be so blue , the sunshine so bright , and there be pigeon fly around in the sky .
the whistling of those pigeon you would remember for the rest of you life .
she want to talk to i at that moment , just as she long to merge with the outside world , to dissolve into the sky and the earth .
if there be only one person — only she — in this world , she would feel too lonely .
chen qingyang say , when she go to my little thatched hut , she think about everything except the little buddha .
that thing be too ugly to appear in she musing .
chen qingyang want to wail then , but she could not cry out , as if someone be choke she .
this be the so-called truth .
the truth be that you can not wake up .
that be the moment she finally figure out what the world be make of ; and the next moment she make up she mind : she step forward to accept the torment .
she feel unusually happy .
chen qingyang also say , just then , she once again remember the moment she cry without restraint in the doorway .
she cry and cry , but could not awaken from cry , and the agony be undiminished .
she cry for a long time , but she do not want to give up hope , not until twenty year later when she face the little buddha .
it be not the first time that she face the little buddha .
but before then she do not believe there be such a thing in the world .
chen qingyang say , face this ugly thing , she remember we great friendship .
when she be in the university , she have a female classmate who be as ugly as a devil ( or to put it in these term , she look like my little buddha ) .
but the girl insist on share a bed with she .
what be more , when everyone fall fast sleep , the girl would kiss she mouth and fondle she breast .
to tell the truth , she do not have this particular hobby , but tolerate it for the sake of they friendship .
now , here be this thing bare its tooth and unsheathe its claw , and want exactly the same thing .
then let it be satisfy , which in addition can be a way to make friend .
so she step forward , bury its ugliness deep inside she .
she feel unusually happy .
chen qingyang say until then she still believe she be innocent , even after she run away into the heart of the mountain and strengthen we great friendship almost every day .
she say this would not prove she be bad at all because she do not know why my little buddha and i want to do this .
she do it for we great friendship .
great friendship be a promise .
keep a promise be certainly no sin .
she have promise to help i in every respect .
but i spank she bottom in the midst of the mountain , which completely tarnish she innocence .
i write confession for a long time .
the leader always say that i do not confess thoroughly enough and need to continue .
so i think i would have to spend the rest of my life confess .
finally , chen qingyang write a confession without let i see it and turn it into the public security office .
after that , no one ask we to write confession or go on denouncement trip anymore .
what be more , chen qingyang begin to distance herself from i .
i live a listless existence for a while and go back to the interior alone .
what she write in the end , i have not a clue .
i lose everything when i come back from yunnan : my gun , my knife , and my tool .
i gain one thing : a bulge file of confession .
from then on , wherever i go , people would know that i be a hooligan .
one benefit i get be that i return to the city earlier than the other city student .
but what be the good of return earlier ?
i still have to be reeducate in the countryside near beijing .
when i go to yunnan , i have bring a full set of tool with i : wrench , small vise , and so on .
besides a set of fitter 's tool , i also have a set of watchmaker 's tool .
i use they to fix watch while live on grandpa liu 's back slope .
even though the mountain be empty and lonely , some band of horseman pass by from time to time .
some of they let i appraise the smuggle watch .
whatever the value i suggest , that would be the price , the watch would be worth that much .
of course i do not do it for free .
so i live quite comfortably in the mountain .
if i have not come down , i would be a millionaire by now .
as for that double-barreled shotgun , it be a treasure as well .
it turn out that the local do not value carbine and rifle much , but the double-barreled shotgun be a rarity to they .
the barrel be so heavy , plus there be two .
i could really scare people off with it .
otherwise we would have be rob long ago .
nobody want to rob i or grandpa liu , but they might want to take chen qingyang away .
as for my knife , i always fasten it on a cowhide belt , and the cowhide belt be always fasten around chen qingyang 's waist .
she would not take it off even when she be sleep or make love to i .
she think it be charming to carry a knife with she .
so you can say that the knife actually belong to chen qingyang .
as i mention before , both the knife and gun be confiscate by the public security office .
i do not bring my tool with i when i come down the mountain ; i leave they on the mountain in case thing do not go smoothly .
by the time i go back to beijing , i be in a hurry and do not have time to fetch the tool .
that be how i be reduce to a complete zero .
i tell chen qingyang that i could never figure out what she write in she last confession .
she say she could not tell i right then .
she want to wait until we say goodbye to each other .
she be go back to shanghai the next day .
she ask i to see she off at the train station .
chen qingyang be different from i in every respect .
after daybreak , she take a cold shower ( the hot water have run out ) , and then begin to dress up .
from underwear to outfit , she be a perfumed lady .
i , on the other hand , be a genuine local hooligan from underwear to outfit .
no wonder people take the confession out of she file but leave mine .
that be to say , she hymen have grow back .
as for i , i never have that thing anyway .
besides that , i also commit the crime of instigation .
we have commit many error together and since she do not know what she sin be , it have to be count as mine .
we check out and walk in the street .
now i begin to think that the last confession of hers must be extremely obscene .
those who read we confession be people with stone heart and high political consciousness .
if they could not bear read it , it have to be pretty bad .
chen qingyang say , in that confession , she write nothing but she true sin .
chen qingyang say that by she true sin she mean the incident on mount qingping .
she be be carry on my shoulder then , wear the thai skirt that bind she leg tightly together , and she hair hang down to my waist .
the white cloud in the sky hurry on its journey , and there be only two of we in the midst of mountain .
i have just smack she bottom ; i spank she really hard .
the burning feeling be fading .
after that i care about nothing else but continue to climb the mountain .
chen qingyang say that moment she feel limp all over , so she let go of herself , hang over my shoulder .
that moment she feel like a spring vine entangle a tree , or a young bird cling to its master .
she no longer care about anything else , and at that moment she have forget everything .
at that moment she fall in love with i , and that would never change .
at the train station , chen qingyang tell i when she submit this confession , the regimental commander read it immediately .
and after he finish read he face be red all over , just like you little buddha .
people who read this confession later all blush too , like the little buddha .
afterward the public security people approach she several time , ask she to rewrite it .
but she say , this be what really happen .
not a word should be change .
they have no choice but to place it into she file .
chen qingyang say , admit this amount to admit all she sin .
when she be in the public security office , they show she all kind of confession , just to let she know what she could not write in she confession .
but she insist on write in this way .
she say that the reason that she want to write about it be because it be worse than anything else she have do .
she admit before that she open she leg ; now she add that the reason she have do it be because she like it .
do something be very different from like it .
the former warrant go on denouncement trip ; and the latter warrant be tear apart by five run horse or be mince by thousand of knife .
but no one have the power to tear we apart with five horse , so they have no choice but to set we free .
after chen qingyang tell i this , the train roar away .
from that moment on , i never see she again .