i do not leave that night — chen qingyang catch i and ask i to stay in the name of we great friendship .
she admit that she have be wrong to slap i , and that she have not treat i well .
but she say my great friendship be phony , and the reason i have trick she into come be to study she anatomy .
i say if she think i be a faker , why do she believe i ?
i do want to study she anatomy , but that be with she permission , too .
if she do not like the idea , she could have tell i before .
in any case , slapping i be unfair .
she laugh hard for a while and say she simply could not bear the sight of that thing on my body .
it look silly and shameless , and whenever she see he , she just could not help get angry .
we do not have a stitch on while we argue .
my little buddha still stick out , glitter in the moonlight as if wrap in plastic .
i be a little offended by what she say and she realize that too .
so to make peace , she soften she tone and say , " anyway , he be breathtakingly ugly — do not you agree ? "
stand there like a angry cobra , the thing be indeed homely .
i say , since you do not even want to look at he , let 's just forget the whole thing .
i begin to put on my pants , but again she say , do not !
so i start smoking .
the moment i have the cigarette finish , she embrace i and we do it on the grass .
until my twenty-first birthday i be a virgin , but that night i lure chen qingyang up the mountain with i .
at first there be moonlight , then the moon set and a sky full of star come out , as numerous as dewdrop in the morning .
there be no wind that night either ; the mountain be very still .
have make love to chen qingyang , i be no longer a virgin .
however , i be not feel happy at all .
that be because when i be do it , she do not make a sound ; she simply put she arm under she head and look at i in a very thoughtful way .
so from begin to end it be just my solo performance .
in fact , i do not last too long .
i finish almost right away .
after that i be angry and upset .
chen qingyang say she could not believe it :
i actually have the impudence to display my ugly male organ in front of she , without feel the least embarrassed .
the thing do not feel embarrassed either ; it just force its way straight into the hole between she thigh .
because there be this hole in a woman 's body , a man think he have to use it , which just do not make sense .
when she have a husband before , he do this to she every day .
all the time she keep the question to herself , wait for the day when he feel ashamed of himself and would explain why he do this to she .
but he never apologize , and then he go to prison .
these be thing i do not want to hear .
so i ask she if she have not feel like do it , why have she agree ?
she say she do not want to be consider small-minded .
i say , you be a small-minded person anyway .
then she say , never mind , let 's not fight about it .
she tell i to return that evening , and we would try it one more time .
maybe she would like it .
i do not say anything .
in the foggy dawn , i leave she and go down the mountain to herd buffalo .
i do not go to see she that night , instead i go to the hospital , the reason being : when i get to the cattle pen in the morning , a bunch of people could not wait for i and have open the pen and drag the buffalo out .
everyone be try to pick out a strong one for plow the field .
a local youth call shan men er be pull out a large white one .
i go over to tell he that the buffalo have be bite by a poisonous snake and could not work .
he do not seem to hear i , so i snatch the tether from he and he slap i without think .
i shove he right in the chest , push he down on he butt .
then people begin to gather , form a tight ring around we and urge we to fight .
with the student from beijing on one side and the country boy on the other , everyone choose a weapon , either a wooden stick or a leather belt .
they argue for a while , then decide not to fight but to make shan men er and i wrestle .
unable to beat i at wrestle , shan men er begin to punch i .
i kick he into a manure pit right in front of the cattle pen for a shit bath .
he get up , grab a pitchfork , and try to stab i , but somebody stop he .
that be what happen in the morning .
when i come back from herd buffalo in the evening , the team leader accuse i of beat peasant , say that he be go to call a meeting to denounce i .
i tell he that he could take he chance and give i trouble , but i be no pushover .
i also tell he that i would get some people together for a gang fight .
the team leader say he do not want to give i a hard time ; it be shan men er 's mother who be give he a hard time .
the woman be a widow , a real bitch .
he say that be the way it go around here .
later he say he be not go to arrange a denounce meeting but a help meeting .
i could just stand in front of people and do a self-criticism .
if i still do not agree , he be go to let the widow come after i .
the meeting be a complete mess .
the local all talk at once , say that the city student have go too far — we not only take they chicken and steal they dog , but also beat they people .
the city student say , that be bullshit !
who steal you chicken and dog ?
do you catch we in the act ?
we be here to build up we country 's borderland .
we be not some criminal in exile .
why should we put up with casual slander ?
stand in front of the crowd , i do not do self-criticism but call they name .
i do not expect shan men er 's mother to sneak up from behind , pick up a heavy stool , and slam my lower back , right on my old injury .
i pass out instantly .
by the time i come around , luo xiaosi have gather a group of city student and be threaten to burn the cattle pen .
he also say he would make shan men er 's mother pay with she life .
the team leader take a bunch of local to stop they .
meanwhile , the vice team leader tell someone to take i to the hospital on a ox cart .
the nurse say they should not try to move i since my back be break , and i would be do for .
i say , my back seem ok and you guy can just carry i .
however , since none of they be sure about whether or not my back be break , they be all afraid to move i .
so i have no choice but to stay put .
finally , the team leader come over and say , go phone chen qingyang .
let she check he back .
after a short while , chen qingyang run over , with messy hair and puffy eyelid .
the first thing she say be : do not worry .
if you be paralyzed , i 'll take care of you for the rest of my life .
then she check my back and she diagnosis be the same as mine .
so they carry i to the ox cart and send i to the hospital at the farm headquarters .
that night chen qingyang accompany i to the hospital and wait until the x-ray of my lower back be develop .
she leave after make sure everything be fine .
she say she would come back to visit i in a couple of day , but she never do .
i be hospitalize for a whole week , and once i could get around , i go straight back to see she .
when i walk into chen qingyang 's clinic , i carry so many thing on my back that my pack be overflow .
in addition to a wok , bowl , a basin , and ladle , there be enough food for two of we to eat for a entire month .
when she see i come into she clinic , she give i a faint smile and say , be you completely recover ?
where be you go with all that stuff ?
i say i be go to the qingping thermal spring to bathe .
she lean back languidly in she chair and say , that be a great idea .
the thermal spring might cure you old injury .
i say i be not really go to the thermal spring .
i just want to stay on the back slope of the mountain for a few day .
she say there be nothing on the back of the mountain .
better go to the thermal spring .
the qingping thermal spring be mud pool located in a valley , surround by nothing but wild , grassy hill .
the people who build hut on the hill and live there year-round be usually patient with a variety of disease .
if i go there , not only would not it cure the pain in my lower back , but worse , i might get leprosy .
however , the lowland on the back slope of the desert mountain be crisscross with gully and ditch ; and fragrant grass grow lush in the sparse wood .
i could build a thatched hut in some desert spot , a empty mountain with no human trace — gurgle water with fall petal .
a place like that would help cultivate morality and nourish the inner nature .
when chen qingyang hear this she could not help smile .
how do you get to that place ?
maybe i 'll go there to visit you .
i give she direction and even make a map for she , and then go into the mountain alone .
after i get to the desolate mountainside , chen qingyang do not come to see i right away .
the strong wind of the dry season blow endlessly , shake the thatched hut .
sit in a chair and listen to the sound of the wind , chen qingyang would look back at what happen and begin to have doubt about everything .
it be hard for she to believe that she have come to these backwoods in a haze , have begin to be call damage goods for no reason , and then turn into real damage goods .
the whole thing be just unbelievable .
chen qingyang say that sometimes she would step out of she room and look in the direction of the back slope of the mountain , see the many path wind through the valley and lead deep into the mountain .
my word still echo in she ear .
she know that any of those path would take she to i .
there be no doubt about it .
but the more certain something be , the more doubtful it become .
maybe the path do not lead anywhere ; maybe wang er be not in the mountain ; maybe wang er do not exist at all .
a couple of day later , luo xiaosi bring several people to the hospital to see i .
no one in the hospital have ever hear of wang er , so nobody know where he have go .
at the time the hospital be rampant with hepatitis .
the uninfected patient all flee to they home to recuperate , and the doctor go down to the production team to provide medical care .
luo xiaosi come back to the fourteenth team and find my stuff go , so he go to ask the team leader whether he have see i .
the team leader say , who be wang er ?
never hear of he .
luo xiaosi say , just a few day ago you call a meeting to denounce he , and the vixen hit he with a stool and almost kill he .
have be remind that way , the team leader be even more reluctant to refresh he memory about i .
it just so happen that at the time a relief delegation from beijing be come to investigate how the city student be treat in the countryside , especially whether any have be tie up , beat , or force to marry the local .
because of this , the team leader be even more unwilling to remember i .
luo xiaosi then make he way to the fifteenth team , ask chen qingyang whether she have see i , and hint in a roundabout sort of way that she would have a indecent relationship with i .
chen qingyang then tell he that she know nothing about i .
by the time luo xiaosi leave , chen qingyang be confuse .
it seem many people do not believe wang er so much as exist .
that be what confuse people .
what everyone think exist must not exist , because everything before we eye be illusion ; what everyone do not think exist must exist , like wang er .
if he do not exist , where do he name come from ?
unable to overcome she curiosity , chen qingyang finally drop everything and go up the mountain to look for i .
after the vixen knock i out with a stool , chen qingyang run all the way down the mountain to see i .
she even cry in public and declare that if i do not recover , she would take care of i all she life .
it turn out not only do i live , but i be not even paralyzed , which be a good thing for i though she be not crazy about it .
it be almost as if she would confess publicly that she be damage goods .
if i would die , or become paralyzed , it would have then be morally justified .
but i have only stay in the hospital for a week and then run away .
to she , i be the precise image of someone see from behind , hurry down the mountain , a man in she memory .
she do not want to make love to i , nor do she want to carry on a love affair with i either .
so , without a very important reason , she visit i would be the act of a woman who be truly damage goods .
chen qingyang say that when she decide to head up the mountain to search for i , she do not have anything on under she white smock .
dress like this , she cross a stretch of hill behind the fifteenth team .
those hill be thick with grass , and under the grass lay red soil .
in the morning the wind blow down the mountain to the plateau , cold as a mountain spring , and in the afternoon the wind return , full of heat and dust .
chen qingyang come ride on a white wind to look for i .
the wind get under she clothes and flow all over she body , like caress and lip .
in fact , she do not really need i , nor do she have to find i .
when people say she be damage goods and i be she lover , she come to see i every day .
it seem necessary back then , though .
ever since she admit in public she be damage goods , and i be she lover , no one say she be damage goods anymore , let alone mention my name in front of she ( except for luo xiaosi ) .
people be so afraid of this kind of damaged-goods behavior in broad daylight that they do not even dare talk about it .
as for the beijing relief delegation send to investigate the city student ' situation , everyone in the local area know about it except for i .
that be because lately i have be off herd buffalo , which require go out early in the morning and come back late at night ; besides that , i have a bad reputation and no one bother to tell i .
later , when i be in the hospital , nobody come to see i either .
when i leave the hospital , i go deep into the mountain almost right away .
i see only two people before my trip , one of whom be chen qingyang , who have not mention it ; the other one be we team leader , who also have not say anything other than tell i to take a good rest at the thermal spring .
i tell he that i do not have anything ( food , utensil , etc. ) , so i could not go to the thermal spring .
he say he could lend i some thing .
i tell he that i might not be able to return they .
he say it do not matter .
so i borrow plenty of homemade smoked meat and sausage .
chen qingyang do not give i the information because she do not care about it — she be not one of the city student .
the team leader do not tell i because he think i know already .
he also think that since i take so much food with i i probably would not come back .
that be why when luo xiaosi ask he where wang er have go , he say , wang er ?
who be wang er ?
never hear of he .
for those like luo xiaosi , it would have be a great advantage to find i — i could prove that the city student in the area be treat badly , often beaten senseless .
for we team leader , my nonexistence be very convenient , because then no one could prove any of the city student have be beat senseless .
to i , it do not really matter whether i exist or not .
if no one come to look for i , i could grow some corn around the place and never leave .
so i do not really care whether i exist or not .
i also think about the problem of whether i exist or not in my little thatched hut .
for example , other believe that chen qingyang have sleep with i and that prove my existence .
in luo xiaosi 's word , wang er and chen qingyang take off they pants and screw .
actually he do not see any of it , but the extent of he imagination be that we take off we pants .
and there be chen qingyang , who say that i hurry down the mountain in my green fatigue .
it never cross my mind that i do not look back as i walk .
since i could not imagine these thing , they must be evidence of my existence .
then there be this little buddha of mine , stiff and straight , and that be something i could not invent either .
i always expect chen qingyang to come to see i , but she never come .
by the time she finally show up , i have learn not to expect she .
i use to believe that chen qingyang would come to see i immediately after i go up the mountain , but i be wrong .
i wait for a long time and then decide to give up .
i sit in my little hut , listen to the leaf rustling all over the mountain , finally reach a state where object and subject be both forget .
i listen to the mighty air current surge over my head , and just then a wave rise from my soul , as flower bloom in the midst of the mountain and bamboo husk fall from the shoot and the bamboo stand up straight .
when the wave recede , i would rest calmly , but i want to dance while the wave be at its peak .
chen qingyang arrive at my thatched hut precisely at that moment and catch sight of i sit naked on the bamboo bed .
my penis be like a skin rabbit , red , shiny , and a foot long , frankly erect .
panic , chen qingyang immediately scream .
chen qingyang 's search for i could be sum up as follow :
two week after i go into the mountain , she go up the mountain to look for i .
it be only two o'clock in the afternoon , but she take off she underwear , like woman who sneak out for sex at midnight , and wear only a white smock , walk barefoot in the mountain .
she cross a sunlit meadow , enter a dry gully , and walk for a long time .
even through the maze of gully , she do not make a single wrong turn .
later she emerge from the gully , walk into a valley face the sun , and see a thatched hut that seem newly build .
if there have be no wang er to tell she the route , she would not have be able to find such a tiny hut in the vast , wild mountain .
but as she enter the hut and see wang er sit on the bed , he little buddha stiff , she be frighten into scream .
later chen qingyang say she just could not believe everything she have experience be real , because something real need to have a cause .
yet at the time she just take off she white smock , sit beside i , and stare at my little buddha , think he be the color of a burn scar .
just then my thatched hut begin to shake in the wind , stream of sunlight leak through the roof and spatter she body , like star .
i reach out my hand and touch she nipple , until she face flush and she nipple turn hard .
suddenly she wake from she trance , she face blush with embarrassment .
then she embrace i tightly .
it be the second time that i make love to chen qingyang .
when we first make love , many detail puzzle i .
not until much later do i finally figure out how much she have really take to heart be call damage goods .
since she could not prove she be not damage goods , she consent to become damage goods , like the woman catch in the act and summon on stage to confess the detail of they adultery .
the confession would reach a point when the audience , unable to restrain themselves , they face twist into hundred of mask of lust , would shout , tie she up !
then someone would rush onto the stage and bind she into the loop of a five-petal knot with thin hemp twine .
she stand like this in front of the crowd , submit herself to all the shame and insult .
that do not bother she at all .
she would not have be afraid of be strip naked , strap to a millstone , and throw into a pond ; nor would she have fear be force to dress up , like the wife and concubine of wealthy man , they face cover with water-soaked yellow paper , sit upright until they smother to death .
no , these thing would not have bother she at all .
she be not the least bit worried about become actual damage goods , which she much prefer to be damage goods in name only .
what disgust she be the act that make she damage goods .
when i make love to chen qingyang , a lizard crawl out of a crack in the wall and cross the ground in the middle of the room , move intermittently .
then suddenly startle , it flee quickly , disappear into the sunshine outside the door .
just at that moment chen qingyang 's moan flood out , fill the entire room .
i be scared and stop , lean over she body .
but she pinch my leg and say : hurry , you idiot !
i speed up and wave of vibration pass through i as if from the earth 's core .
afterward , she say she have fall deep into sin and karma would catch up with she sooner or later .
when she say that , the band of flush be fading from she chest .
at the time we have not finish we business yet .
so she make it sound like she would only be punish for what she have just do .
suddenly a shudder travel from the top of my head to my tailbone and i begin to ejaculate wildly .
since this have nothing to do with she , perhaps i would be the only one punish for it .
later chen qingyang tell i that luo xiaosi have look for i everywhere .
he go to the hospital , and people there tell he that i do not exist ; then he go to we team leader , who also say that i do not exist ; finally , he go to chen qingyang .
chen qingyang tell he that since everyone say he do not exist , maybe he do not .
she have no problem with that .
when he hear this , luo xiaosi could not help cry .
i feel very strange after i hear she word .
i should not come into existence simply because a vixen hit i , nor should i stop exist because she hit i .
actually , my existence be a indisputable fact .
so i become obsess .
to prove the indisputable fact , i go down the mountain the day the relief delegation arrive and take part in the delegation 's hearing .
after the hearing , the team leader say , you do not look sick at all .
i think you would better come back to feed the pig .
he also arrange for people to trail chen qingyang and i , try to catch we in the act of adultery .
of course , it be not easy to catch i because i walk so fast .
no one could successfully track i .
however , this get i into a lot more trouble .
by then i begin to realize that it be really unnecessary for i to prove my existence to other .
when i feed the pig for the production team , every day i have to carry bucket of water .
it be really a tiring job , and impossible to slack off .
the pig would squeal if they do not get enough food .
i have to chop ton of vegetable and cut pile of wood .
originally there have be three woman to do the job , but now the team leader assign it all to i .
i find that i could not manage three woman 's work , especially when my back hurt .
i really want to prove that i do not exist then .
at night chen qingyang and i would make love in my small hut .
in those day , i be full of respect for the task , enthusiastic about every kiss and caress .
whether it be the classical missionary position , or man-from-behind position , man-from-side position , or woman-on-top position , i perform they in sober earnest .
chen qingyang be very satisfied with my performance , and so be i.
at those moment , i feel it be unnecessary to prove my existence .
i draw a conclusion from these experience : never let other people pay attention to you !
beijinger say : better a thief should steal from you than keep you in mind .
you should never let other people keep you in mind .
after a while , the city student in we team be all transfer to other position ; the man land work at the candy factory , and the woman get to teach at the agricultural middle school .
i be the only one leave feed those pig .
accord to they that be because i be not reeducate enough , but chen qingyang say it be because someone keep i in mind .
this " someone " might have be the military deputy on we farm .
she also say the military deputy be a jerk .
she use to work in the hospital , but when the military deputy try to grope she , she give he a big slap , and afterward , she be send down to the fifteenth production team to work as a team doctor .
the fifteenth team 's water be bitter , and there be not much to eat either .
she get use to it after a while .
but it be clear from the start the military deputy just want to make trouble for she .
chen qingyang say that the military deputy would definitely not go easy on i , perhaps i would be kept-in-mind half to death .
i say : what can he do to i ?
if thing get really bad , i can simply run the hell away .
what happen later all start there .
that morning , right at dawn , i go down the mountain to feed the pig .
as i pass the village well , i see the military deputy at the well stand brushing he tooth .
he take the brush out of he mouth and talk to i with a mouth full of froth .
i think he be very disgusting , so i leave without a word .
shortly afterward , he run to the pigpen and shout at i : how dare you walk away from i like that ?
i keep silent as i hear the word .
even when he accuse i of play dumb , i still say nothing .
after a while i walk away again .
the military deputy come to we team to do some grassroot investigation and then stay .
accord to he , he would not give up until he make wang er talk .
he visit could be account for in two way : one be that he come down to we team for the investigation , but when he meet someone like i who play dumb with he , he get piss off and decide to stay ; the other be that he come down to we team not for investigation , but to pick on i , after hear that chen qingyang and i have a love affair .
whatever bring he to we team , i make up my mind to stay mute .
he could not do anything about it .
the military deputy have a talk with i , ask i to write a confession .
he say that the mass be very angry about my love affair with chen qingyang .
if i do not confess , he would mobilize the mass to deal with i .
he also say my behavior meet the criterion for my classification as one of " the bad element , " and i should be punish by the proletarian dictatorship .
i could have defend myself by say i do not have a love affair .
who could prove i do ?
but i just stare at he , like a wild boar , like a idiot , like a male cat stare at a female one , until he anger vanish under my stare .
then he let i go .
in the end , he still could not get anything out of i .
he be not even sure whether i be a mute or not .
people tell he that i be not a mute .
he could not be sure since he have never hear i speak a single word .
to this day , whenever he think of i , he still can not figure out if i be mute or not .
it make i very happy whenever i think about it .