at twenty-one , i be place in a production team for reeducation in yunnan .
that year chen qingyang be twenty-six and a doctor who happen to work where i do .
i be on the fourteenth production team down the mountain , and she be on the fifteenth team up the mountain .
one day she come down the mountain to see i , to discuss the fact that she be not damage goods .
i do not know she too well at the time , barely you might say .
the issue she want to discuss be this :
despite the fact that everyone believe she be damage goods , she do not think she be .
because , to be damage goods she have to have cheat on she husband , but she never do .
although she husband have be in prison for a year , she have not sleep with another man , nor have she ever do anything like that .
therefore she simply could not understand why people keep call she damage goods .
if i would want to comfort she , it would not have be hard ; i could prove logically that she be not damage goods .
if chen qingyang be damage goods , she would have have to have cheat on she husband , and therefore , there must be a man with whom she would cheat .
since at present no one could point out such a man , the proposition that chen qingyang have sleep with another man be untenable .
yet i insist on say that chen qingyang be damage goods , and that this be beyond question .
chen qingyang come to i to ask i to prove she be not damage goods because i have come to she for a shot .
the whole thing unfold as follow :
during the farm 's busy season we team leader would not assign i to plow field .
instead he make i plant rice seedling so that i could not stand straight most of the time .
anyone familiar with i know about the injury to my lower back , not to mention that i be a tall man , over six foot .
have work like this for a month , the pain in my lower back become so intolerable that i could not fall asleep without steroid injection .
the clinic at we team have a bunch of needle whose coating have completely peel off , with tip all bent like fishhook , which often pull flesh from my lower back .
after a while my waist look like it have be pepper by a shotgun , and the scar do not fade for a long time .
under the circumstance , i recall that the doctor at the fifteenth team , chen qingyang , have graduate from beijing medical school .
maybe she would be able to tell the difference between a hypodermic and a crotchet needle .
so i go to see she .
not half a hour after my visit , she chase after i to my room , want i to prove that she be not damage goods .
chen qingyang say she do not look down on damage goods at all .
in fact , from what she observe , damage goods seem to have soft heart , love to help other and , most of all , hate to disappoint people .
therefore , she even have a sneak admiration for people like they .
however , the problem be not whether damage goods be good or not good , but lay in the fact that she be not damage goods at all , just as a cat be not a dog .
if a cat be call a dog , it would not feel comfortable .
now everyone call she damage goods , which drive she to distraction and make she almost forget who she be .
as chen qingyang sit in my thatched shack and pour out she trouble , she have on a white smock that leave she arm and leg expose , the same outfit she have worn earlier in she clinic .
the only difference be that she have tie back she long , loose hair with a handkerchief and put on a pair of sandal .
as i look at she , i begin to wonder what be under she white smock , whether she have something on — or nothing at all , which would show what a beautiful woman chen qingyang be because she believe that it do not really matter whether or not she wear underwear .
that kind of confidence need to have be build up from childhood .
i tell she that she be definitely damage goods , and even enumerate several reason to convince she .
i say that so-called damage goods be just a denotation .
if people say you be damage goods , then you must be damage goods — there be not much logic to it ; if people say you sleep with another man , you must have do it — there be not much logic to that either .
as for why they say you be damage goods , in my opinion it be because of this :
people generally agree that if a married woman have not cheat on she husband , she face must be leathery , and she breast must sag .
now you face be not dark but fair , you breast be not hang down but jut out , so you must be damage goods .
if you do not want to be damage goods , you should try to darken you face and make you breast sag so people will not accuse you of be damage goods , which , of course , be a raw deal for you .
if you do not want a raw deal , sleep with another man so you can think of yourself as damage goods , too .
other people be not oblige to find out if you be damage goods before call you that , but you be oblige to stop they from call you damage goods .
as chen qingyang listen to my word , she face flush and she eye widen with anger .
she look like she be about to slap i .
this woman be famous for she slapping ; many man have feel she slap .
however , suddenly dishearten , she say , " all right , let i be damage goods .
as far as drooping or not droop , dark or not dark , that be none of you business . "
she also say that if i spend too much time ponder these matter , i would very likely get slap .
imagine the scene twenty year ago , when chen qingyang and i discuss the damage goods issue .
back then , my face be baked brown , my lip be dry and chap , with bit of paper and tobacco stick to they , my hair be mat like a coconut husk , the many hole in the ragged army greatcoat i wear be patch with bandage , as i sit , leg cross , on the wooden bed , look like a total hooligan .
you can imagine when chen qingyang hear such a person talk about whether she breast droop or not , how the palm of she hand itch .
she be a little oversensitive , but that be because many strong man go to see she who be not sick at all .
what they want to see be damage goods , not a doctor .
i be the only exception .
my lower back look like it have be strike by pigsy 's rake .
whether my back really hurt or not , those hole alone would justify my visit to the doctor .
those hole also make she hope she might be able to convince i she be not damage goods .
even if there be just one person who believe she be not damage goods , it would be very different than no one believe she .
but i intentionally disappoint she .
this be what i think : if i want to prove she be not damage goods and i could , then thing would be too easy .
the truth be i could not prove anything , except thing that do not need prove .
in spring , we team leader claim i be the one who have shoot out the left eye of he dog , which be why the dog always look at people with its head tilted , as if she be dance ballet .
from then on , he always give i a hard time .
three thing could have prove my innocence :
1 . the team leader have no dog ;
2 . the dog be bear blind in the left eye ;
3 . i be a man with no hand who can not aim a gun .
finally , none of the three requirement could be establish : the team leader do have a brown dog ; she left eye be indeed blind by a shot ; i could not only aim a gun but be also be a excellent marksman .
to make matter worse , i would borrow a air rifle from luo xiaosi not long before the incident , and use a bowl of mung bean as bullet , kill a couple of pound of mouse in a empty granary .
of course , there be other crack shot on we production team , and one of they be luo xiaosi .
when he fire at the team leader 's dog , i stand right beside he watch .
but i could not inform on other people , and my relationship with luo xiaosi be not bad .
besides , if the team leader could have handle luo xiaosi , he would not have accuse i .
so i keep quiet .
to keep silent mean to acquiesce .
that be why in the spring i have to plant rice seedling , stoop over in the field like a broken electricity pole ; in the autumn i have to herd cattle , so i could not get a hot meal .
of course , i could not take this lie down .
one day as i walk on the mountain , the team leader 's dog come into view .
i happen to have luo xiaosi 's air rifle with i , so i fire a bullet and blind she right eye .
with neither left eye nor right eye , the dog could not get back to the team leader 's house — god know where she go .
i remember in those day , besides herd cattle on the mountain and lie in bed , i do not have anything to do and nothing seem to matter .
but chen qingyang come down the mountain again to see i .
there be another rumor in the air that she be have a affair with i and this time she want i to prove we innocence .
i tell she that we would have to prove two thing first before we innocence could be establish :
1 . chen qingyang be a virgin ;
2 . castrate at birth , i be unable to have sex .
these two thing would be hard to prove , so we could not prove we innocence .
i prefer to prove we guilt .
on hear my word , chen qingyang 's face first turn pale and then blush all over .
finally she stand up and left without say a word .
chen qingyang tell i later that i have always be a scoundrel .
the first time she want i to prove she innocence , i look up at the ceiling and begin to talk nonsense ; the next time she want i to prove we innocence , i earnestly suggest have intercourse with she .
so she decide she be go to slap i sooner or later .
if i have guess she plan at the time , the thing that happen later might never have happen .
on my twenty-first birthday , i be herd buffalo at the riverside .
in the afternoon i fall asleep on the grass .
i remember cover myself with a few banana leave before i fall asleep , but by the time i wake up i find nothing on my body . ( perhaps the buffalo have eat the leaf . )
the sunshine in the subtropical dry season have burn my entire body red , leave i in a agony of burning and itching .
my little buddha point to the sky like a arrow , bigger than ever .
that be how i spend my birthday .
when i wake up , the sun glare down on i from a frighteningly blue sky .
a layer of fine dust , like a coating of talcum powder , cover my whole body .
i would experience numerous erection in my life , but none as vigorous and magnificent as that time .
perhaps it be because of the location , so isolate from the village that not even a soul could be see .
i get up to check on my buffalo , only to find they all crouch at the far fork of the river , chew grass quietly .
it be a surpassingly still moment , and the white wind be gently blow across the field .
on the bank , several pair of bull from the mountain village be fight each other .
they eye have turn red , and saliva drool from the corner of they mouth .
this sort of bull have tightly pack ball and protrude penis .
we bull be not like that .
they would lie on the ground and stay put no matter how hard the other bull try to provoke they .
to prevent we bull from hurt each other and slow down the spring plowing , we castrate all of they .
i be present every time they castrate the bull .
ordinary bull could just be cut with a knife .
but for extremely wild one , you have to employ the art of hammer-smashing , which be to cut open they scrotum , take out the ball , and then use a wooden hammer to pulverize they .
from then on these altered bull know nothing but grazing and working .
no need to tie they down if you want to kill they .
we team leader , the one who always wield the hammer , have no doubt that surgery of this kind would also work on human .
he would shout at we all the time : you young bull !
you need a good hammering to make you behave .
in he way of thinking , this red , stiff , foot-long thing on my body be the incarnation of evil .
of course , i have a different opinion .
to i , the thing be extremely important , as important as my existence itself .
the darkness begin to settle in , and a cloud drift idly across the sky .
the lower half of the cloud be immerse in darkness and the upper half still float in sunshine .
that day i be twentyone , and in the golden age of my life .
i have so many desire ;
i want to love , to eat , and to be turn in a flash into the halfbright and half-dark cloud in the sky .
only much later do i realize that life be a slow process of be hammer .
people grow old day after day , they desire disappear little by little , and finally they become like those hammer bull .
however , that idea never cross my mind on my twenty-first birthday .
i think i would always be lively and strong , and that nothing could beat i .
i have invite chen qingyang over to eat fish with i that night , so i be suppose to catch fish in the afternoon .
but not until five o'clock do i remember i need to go to where the fish be suppose to have be trap to take a look .
before i reach the small fork of the river , two jingpo boy run up , hurl mud at one another all the way .
some land on i .
they stop fight only after i pick they up by they ear .
i shout at they , " you prick , where be the fish ? "
the older one say , " it be all that prick le long 's fault !
he sit on the dam all the time , so the dam fuck collapse . "
le long roar back , " wang er , the fucking dam you build be not strong enough ! "
i say , " that be bullshit !
i build the dam with sod .
what prick have the nerve to say it be not strong enough ? "
i go down to see for myself .
whether le long 's fault or mine , the dam be go anyway .
the water we bail out all flow back , any hope of catch fish go down the drain , and the whole day go to waste .
of course , i would not admit it be my fault .
instead i yell at le long .
le du ( the other boy ) also chime in .
le long begin to get angry .
he jump up a couple of foot and roar , " wang er !
le du !
you prick !
you be gang up on i !
i be go to tell my father .
he 'll shoot the two of you with he bronze-barreled shotgun ! "
after say this , the little bastard try to leap onto the bank to escape .
i catch he ankle and pull he back .
" you want to run off and leave we to herd you buffalo ?
you be fuck dream ! "
the little bastard wail wa-wa and try to bite i .
but i grab he , pin he to the ground , and hold he hard .
he froth at the mouth , cursing i in a mix of mandarin , jingpo , and thai .
i talk back in standard beijing dialect .
all of a sudden , he stop cursing , eye the lower part of my body with envy .
i look down and find my little buddha stand up again .
i hear le long click he tongue admiringly , " wow !
want to fuck le du 's sister ? "
i immediately drop he to put on my pants .
when i light the gas lamp at the pump house , chen qingyang would often arrive unexpectedly and complain that life be meaningless .
she also say that she believe she be innocent in every respect .
i say that the way she dare claim innocence be itself the biggest sin .
in my opinion , craving good food and aversion to hard work , together with lust for beauty and sex , make up a human being 's basic nature .
if you be a hard worker who live a frugal and chaste life , you would commit the sin of hypocrisy , which be more disgusting than greed , sensuality , or laziness .
word like this seem to please she , although she never agree with what i say out loud .
however , when i light the gas lamp that night , she do not show up for a long time .
it be not until nine that she appear at my door and call my name , " wang er , you stinker !
come out ! "
i go out to see what be go on .
dress all in white , she look especially smart , although she expression seem tense .
she say , you invite i over to eat fish and have a heart-to-heart , but where be the fish ?
i have to admit that the fish be still in the river .
all right , she say , at least we can still have a heart-to-heart .
then let 's talk .
i say , how about we go inside first ?
she say that be fine , too .
so she go in and find herself a place to sit .
she look angry .
i have plan to seduce chen qingyang on my twenty-first birthday , because she be my friend ; and she have a full bosom , a slender waist , and shapely buttock ; besides , she neck be long and graceful and she face be pretty , too .
i want to have sex with she and think she should not refuse .
because if she would need my body to practice vivisection , i would have lend it to she without give it a second thought ; likewise , if i need to use she body for pleasure , it should not be a problem either .
but she be a woman , and woman in general be more or less small-minded .
for that reason , i need to expand she mind , so i begin to explain what " brotherhood " be .
in my opinion , brotherhood be the kind of great friendship that only exist among the outlaw of the forest .
take the hero in the legend of the water margin for example .
those guy would kill and set fire as soon as eat .
but as long as they hear the great name of timely rain , they would fall to they knee and kowtow .
like they , i believe in nothing but brotherhood .
if you be my friend , even if you commit a crime beyond heaven 's forgiveness , i would still stand by you .
that night , i offer my great friendship to chen qingyang and she be immediately move to tear .
she accept my friendship right away , and , what be more , even express she wish to reward i with a greater friendship , say that she would never betray i even if i turn out to be a low-down , shifty little scoundrel .
relieve by she word , naturally i tell she what be really on my mind :
i be twenty-one , but i have never experience what happen between a man and a woman .
i really can not resign myself to that .
she stare at i blankly after hear my word — maybe she be not prepare for this .
i keep persuade she , which do not seem to work , so i put my hand on she shoulder and feel the tension in she muscle .
the woman could change she mind any minute and slap i — if that occur , it would only prove that woman do not understand what great friendship mean .
but to my surprise , she do not slap i .
instead she snort and then start laugh .
how stupid i be !
to be trick so easily !
what trick ?
what be you talk about ?
i play dumb .
she say , i do not say anything .
i ask she will you do it or not ?
she say " pah ! " and she blush .
it look like she be a little shy , so i decide to take the initiative and begin to get fresh with she .
she try to push i away a few time , and then say , no , not here .
let 's go up to the mountain .
so i follow she all the way up to the mountain .
later on , chen qingyang tell i that she have never be able to figure out whether my great friendship be true or just a lie that i have make up then to trick she .
but she say that those word enchant she like a spell , and that even if she lose everything because of it she would have no regret .
actually , the great friendship be neither true nor false , like everything else in the world .
it be true if you believe it , and false if you do not ; my word be also neither true nor false , but i be prepare to stand by my word anytime and would not back off even if the sky collapse and the earth crack open .
because of this attitude of mine , no one really believe i , which explain why i make no more than a couple of friend , include chen qingyang , even though i take it on as a lifelong cause .
that night , halfway up the mountain , chen qingyang tell i that she need to go back to she place to get something , tell i to wait for she on the other side of the mountain .
i suspect that she might want to stand i up , but i do not say anything .
i go straight to the other side of the mountain and smoke .
after a while , she arrive .
chen qingyang say that the first time i go to she for a shot , she be doze at she desk .
in yunnan everyone have plenty of time to nap , so they always seem half asleep and half awake .
when i walk into she clinic , the room dim for a moment because it be a thatched mud hut where most of the sunshine come in through the door .
she awaken right then , raise she head , and ask what i be do there .
i say my lower back hurt and she tell i to lie down so that she could take a look at it .
i throw myself headlong onto the bamboo bed and nearly crush it — my lower back hurt so much that i simply could not bend .
if it have not be for that i would not have go to see she .
chen qingyang say my mouth have line around it even when i be very young , and dark circle always show under my eye .
i be a tall man of few word in worn-out clothes .
she give i a shot and i leave .
maybe i thank she , or maybe i do not .
when she have the idea i could prove she be not damage goods , only half a minute pass .
she run out and find i take a shortcut to the fourteenth team .
i stride down the slope , leap over the ditch and mound whenever there be one , descend rapidly along the mountain slope .
it be a morning in the dry season , and the wind blow up from the foot of the mountain , so i could not have hear anything even if she would call i , not to mention that i never look back anyway .
so that be the way i leave .
chen qingyang say she have want to go after i then , but feel it would be hard to catch up , and besides i might not be able to prove she innocence .
so she walk back to the clinic .
she change she mind later because she realize since everyone accuse she of be damage goods , they be all she enemy .
it be possible that i be not she enemy .
she do not want to risk turn i into a enemy also .
i smoke on the back slope of the mountain that night .
even though it be evening i could see into the distance , because the moonlight be bright , and the air be clear in that region .
every now and then , i could hear dog bark in the distance .
i spot chen qingyang as soon as she come out of the fifteenth team — i doubt if i could see that far during the day .
but it feel different from the day .
perhaps because there be no one around .
i could not tell whether there be people around or not in the evening , because it be silver-gray everywhere .
if you travel with a torch , it mean you want the whole world to know where you be ; if you do not , it would be like wear a cape of invisibility — people who know you be there could see you , and people who do not could not .
when i see chen qingyang slowly come toward i , my heart begin to pound , and it occur to i without any instruction that we should have a little foreplay before get down to business .
chen qingyang react pretty coldly to this .
she lip be icy , and she do not respond to my caress at all .
by the time i try to unbutton she dress , all thumb , she push i away and start take off she clothes by herself , piece by piece .
she fold she clothes neatly and put they aside .
then she lay down stiffly on the grass .
she naked body be extremely beautiful .
i take off my clothes in a hurry and crawl over to she .
again she push i off , hand i something , say , " know how to use this ?
want i to teach you ? "
it be a condom .
i be at the height of my excitement and the tone of she voice upset i a little .
but i put on the condom anyway and crawl on top of she .
heart racing and out of breath , i fumble for quite a while and could not get it right .
again i hear she cold voice , " hey , do you know what you be do ? "
i say , of course i do .
could you please move a little closer ?
i want to study you anatomy in the light .
then with a sound as loud as a thunderclap at my ear , i realize she would give i a big slap .
i jump to my foot , grab my clothes , and run .