我二十一岁时，正在云南插队。	At twenty-one, I was placed in a production team for reeducation in Yunnan.
陈清扬当时二十六岁，就在我插队的地方当医生。	That year Chen Qingyang was twenty-six and a doctor who happened to work where I did.
我在山下十四队，她在山上十五队。	I was on the fourteenth production team down the mountain, and she was on the fifteenth team up the mountain.
有一天她从山上下来，和我讨论她不是破鞋的问题。	One day she came down the mountain to see me, to discuss the fact that she was not damaged goods.
那时我还不大认识她，只能说有一点知道。	I didn't know her too well at the time, barely you might say.
她要讨论的事是这祥的：虽然所有的人都说她是一个破鞋，但她以为自己不是的。	The issue she wanted to discuss was this: Despite the fact that everyone believed she was damaged goods, she didn't think she was.
因为破鞋偷汉，而她没有偷过汉。	Because, to be damaged goods she had to have cheated on her husband, but she never did.
虽然她丈夫已经住了一年监狱，但她没有偷过汉。 在此之前也未偷过汉。	Although her husband had been in prison for a year, she hadn't slept with another man, nor had she ever done anything like that.
所以她简直不明白，人们为什么要说她是破鞋。	Therefore she simply couldn't understand why people kept calling her damaged goods.
如果我要安慰她，并不困难。 我可以从逻辑上证明她不是破鞋。	If I'd wanted to comfort her, it wouldn't have been hard; I could prove logically that she was not damaged goods.
如果陈清扬是破鞋，即陈清扬偷汉，则起码有一个某人为其所偷。	If Chen Qingyang were damaged goods, she would have had to have cheated on her husband, and therefore, there must be a man with whom she'd cheated.
如今不能指出某人，所以陈清扬偷汉不能成立。	Since at present no one could point out such a man, the proposition that Chen Qingyang had slept with another man was untenable.
但是我偏说，陈清扬就是破鞋，而且这一点毋庸置疑。	Yet I insisted on saying that Chen Qingyang was damaged goods, and that this was beyond question.
陈清扬找我证明她不是破鞋，起因是我找她打针。	Chen Qingyang came to me to ask me to prove she wasn't damaged goods because I had come to her for a shot.
这事经过如下：农忙时队长不叫我犁田，而是叫我去插秧，这样我的腰就不能经常直立。	The whole thing unfolded as follows: During the farm's busy season our team leader would not assign me to plow fields. Instead he made me plant rice seedlings so that I could not stand straight most of the time.
认识我的人都知道，我的腰上有旧伤，而且我身高在一米九以上。	Anyone familiar with me knew about the injury to my lower back, not to mention that I was a tall man, over six feet.
如此插了一个月，我腰痛难忍，不打封闭就不能入睡。	Having worked like this for a month, the pain in my lower back became so intolerable that I couldn't fall asleep without steroid injections.
我们队医务室那一把针头镀层剥落，而且都有倒钩，经常把我腰上的肉钩下来。	The clinic at our team had a bunch of needles whose coating had completely peeled off, with tips all bent like fishhooks, which often pulled flesh from my lower back.
后来我的腰就像中了散弹枪，伤痕久久不褪。	After a while my waist looked like it had been peppered by a shotgun, and the scars didn't fade for a long time.
就在这种情况下，我想起十五队的队医陈清扬是北医大毕业的大夫，对针头和勾针大概还能分清，所以我去找她看病。	Under the circumstances, I recalled that the doctor at the fifteenth team, Chen Qingyang, had graduated from Beijing Medical School. Maybe she would be able to tell the difference between a hypodermic and a crotchet needle. So I went to see her.
看完病回来，不到半个小时，她就追到我屋里来，要我证明她不是破鞋。	Not half an hour after my visit, she chased after me to my room, wanting me to prove that she wasn't damaged goods.
陈清扬说，她丝毫也不藐视破鞋。	Chen Qingyang said she didn't look down on damaged goods at all.
据她观察，破鞋都很善良，乐于助人，而且最不乐意让人失望。	In fact, from what she observed, damaged goods seemed to have soft hearts, loved to help others and, most of all, hated to disappoint people.
因此她对破鞋还有一点钦佩。	Therefore, she even had a sneaking admiration for people like them.
问题不在于破鞋好不好，而在于她根本不是破鞋。 就如一只猫不是一只狗一样。	However, the problem was not whether damaged goods were good or not good, but lay in the fact that she was not damaged goods at all, just as a cat was not a dog.
假如一只猫被人叫成一只狗，它也会感到很不自在。	If a cat were called a dog, it wouldn't feel comfortable.
现在大家都管她叫破鞋，弄得她魂不守舍，几乎连自己是谁都不知道了。	Now everyone called her damaged goods, which drove her to distraction and made her almost forget who she was.
陈清扬在我的草房里时，裸臂赤腿穿一件白大褂，和她在山上那间医务室里装束一样。	As Chen Qingyang sat in my thatched shack and poured out her troubles, she had on a white smock that left her arms and legs exposed, the same outfit she had worn earlier in her clinic.
所不同的是披散的长发用个手绢束住，脚上也多了一双拖鞋。	The only differences were that she had tied back her long, loose hair with a handkerchief and put on a pair of sandals.
看了她的样子，我就开始捉摸：她那件白大褂底下是穿了点什么呢，还是什么都没穿。 这一点可以说明陈清扬很漂亮，因为她觉得穿什么不穿什么无所谓。	As I looked at her, I began to wonder what was under her white smock, whether she had something on—or nothing at all, which would show what a beautiful woman Chen Qingyang was because she believed that it didn't really matter whether or not she wore underwear.
这是从小培养起来的自信心。	That kind of confidence needs to have been built up from childhood.
我对她说，她确实是个破鞋。 还举出一些理由来：所谓破鞋者，乃是一个指称，大家都说你是破鞋，你就是破鞋，没什么道理可讲。 大家说你偷了汉，你就是偷了汉，这也没什么道理可讲。	I told her that she was definitely damaged goods, and even enumerated several reasons to convince her. I said that so-called damaged goods was just a denotation. If people say you're damaged goods, then you must be damaged goods—there isn't much logic to it; if people say you slept with another man, you must have done it—there is not much logic to that either.
至于大家为什么要说你是破鞋，照我看是这样：大家都认为，结了婚的女人不偷汉，就该面色黝黑，乳房下垂。	As for why they say you're damaged goods, in my opinion it's because of this: People generally agree that if a married woman hasn't cheated on her husband, her face must be leathery, and her breasts must sag.
而你脸不黑而且白，乳房不下垂而且高耸，所以你是破鞋。	Now your face is not dark but fair, your breasts are not hanging down but jutting out, so you must be damaged goods.
假如你不想当破鞋，就要把脸弄黑，把乳房弄下垂，以后别人就不说你是破鞋。 当然这样很吃亏，假如你不想吃亏，就该去偷个汉来。 这样你自己也认为自己是个破鞋。	If you don't want to be damaged goods, you should try to darken your face and make your breasts sag so people won't accuse you of being damaged goods, which, of course, is a raw deal for you. If you don't want a raw deal, sleep with another man so you can think of yourself as damaged goods, too.
别人没有义务先弄明白你是否偷汉再决定是否管你叫破鞋。 你倒有义务叫别人无法叫你破鞋。	Other people are not obliged to find out if you are damaged goods before calling you that, but you are obliged to stop them from calling you damaged goods.
陈清扬听了这话，脸色发红，怒目圆睁，几乎就要打我一耳光。	As Chen Qingyang listened to my words, her face flushed and her eyes widened with anger. She looked like she was about to slap me.
这女人打人耳光出了名，好多人吃过她的耳光。	This woman was famous for her slapping; many men had felt her slaps.
但是她忽然泄了气，说：好吧，破鞋就破鞋吧。	However, suddenly disheartened, she said, "All right, let me be damaged goods.
但是垂不垂黑不黑的，不是你的事。	As far as drooping or not drooping, dark or not dark, that's none of your business."
她还说，假如我在这些事上琢磨得太多，很可能会吃耳光。	She also said that if I spent too much time pondering these matters, I would very likely get slapped.
倒退到二十年前，想像我和陈清扬讨论破鞋问题时的情景。	Imagine the scene twenty years ago, when Chen Qingyang and I discussed the damaged goods issue.
那时我面色焦黄，嘴唇干裂，上面沾了碎纸和烟丝，头发乱如败棕，身穿一件破军衣，上面好多破洞都是橡皮膏粘上的，跷着二郎腿，坐在木板床上，完全是一副流氓相。	Back then, my face was baked brown, my lips were dry and chapped, with bits of paper and tobacco stuck to them, my hair was matted like a coconut husk, the many holes in the ragged army greatcoat I wore were patched with bandages, as I sat, legs crossed, on the wooden bed, looking like a total hooligan.
你可以想像陈清扬听到这么个人说起她的乳房下垂不下垂时，手心是何等的发痒。	You can imagine when Chen Qingyang heard such a person talking about whether her breasts drooped or not, how the palm of her hand itched.
她有点神经质，都是因为有很多精壮的男人找她看病，其实却没有病。	She was a little oversensitive, but that was because many strong men went to see her who weren't sick at all.
那些人其实不是去看大夫，而是去看破鞋。	What they wanted to see was damaged goods, not a doctor.
只有我例外。	I was the only exception.
我的后腰上好像被猪八戒筑了两耙。	My lower back looked like it had been struck by Pigsy's rake.
不管腰疼真不真，光那些窟窿也能成为看医生的理由。	Whether my back really hurt or not, those holes alone would justify my visit to the doctor.
这些窟窿使她产生一个希望，就是也许能向我证明，她不是破鞋。	Those holes also made her hope she might be able to convince me she was not damaged goods.
有一个人承认她不是破鞋，和没人承认大不一样。	Even if there were just one person who believed she wasn't damaged goods, it would be very different than no one believing her.
可是我偏让她失望。	But I intentionally disappointed her.
我是这么想的：假如我想证明她不是破鞋，就能证明她不是破鞋，那事情未免太容易了。	This is what I thought: if I wanted to prove she was not damaged goods and I could, then things would be too easy.
实际上我什么都不能证明，除了那些不需证明的东西。	The truth was I couldn't prove anything, except things that didn't need proving.
春天里，队长说我打瞎了他家母狗的左眼，使它老是偏过头来看人，好像在跳芭蕾舞。	In spring, our team leader claimed I was the one who had shot out the left eye of his dog, which was why the dog always looked at people with its head tilted, as if she were dancing ballet.
从此后他总给我小鞋穿。	From then on, he always gave me a hard time.
我想证明我自己的清白无辜，只有以下三个途径：1、队长家不存在一只母狗；2、该母狗天生没有左眼；3、我是无手之人，不能持枪射击。	Three things could have proved my innocence: 1. The team leader had no dog; 2. The dog was born blind in the left eye; 3. I'm a man with no hands who can't aim a gun.
结果是三条一条也不成立。 队长家确有一棕色母狗，该母狗的左眼确是后天打瞎，而我不但能持枪射击，而且枪法极精。	Finally, none of the three requirements could be established: the team leader did have a brown dog; her left eye was indeed blinded by a shot; I could not only aim a gun but was also was an excellent marksman.
在此之前不久，我还借了罗小四的汽枪，用一碗绿豆做子弹，在空粮库里打下了二斤耗子。	To make matters worse, I'd borrowed an air rifle from Luo Xiaosi not long before the incident, and using a bowl of mung beans as bullets, killed a couple of pounds of mice in an empty granary.
当然，这队里枪法好的人还有不少，其中包括罗小四。	Of course, there were other crack shots on our production team, and one of them was Luo Xiaosi.
汽枪就是他的，而且他打瞎队长的母狗时，我就在一边看着。	When he fired at the team leader's dog, I stood right beside him watching.
但是我不能揭发别人，罗小四和我也不错。	But I couldn't inform on other people, and my relationship with Luo Xiaosi was not bad.
何况队长要是能惹得起罗小四，也不会认准了是我。	Besides, if the team leader could have handled Luo Xiaosi, he wouldn't have accused me.
所以我保持沉默。	So I kept quiet.
沉默就是默认。	To keep silent meant to acquiesce.
所以春天我去插秧，撅在地里像一根半截电线杆，秋收后我又去放牛，吃不上热饭。	That was why in the spring I had to plant rice seedlings, stooped over in the field like a broken electricity pole; in the autumn I had to herd cattle, so I couldn't get a hot meal.
当然，我也不肯无所作为。	Of course, I could not take this lying down.
有一天在山上，我正好借了罗小四的汽枪，队长家的母狗正好跑到山上叫我看见，我就射出一颗子弹打瞎了它的右眼。	One day as I walked on the mountain, the team leader's dog came into view. I happened to have Luo Xiaosi's air rifle with me, so I fired a bullet and blinded her right eye.
该狗既无左眼，又无右眼，也就不能跑回去让队长看见——天知道它跑到哪儿去了。	With neither left eye nor right eye, the dog couldn't get back to the team leader's house—God knows where she went.
我记得那些日子里，除了上山放牛和在家里躺着，似乎什么也没做。 我觉得什么都与我无关。	I remember in those days, besides herding cattle on the mountain and lying in bed, I didn't have anything to do and nothing seemed to matter.
可是陈清扬又从山上跑下来找我。	But Chen Qingyang came down the mountain again to see me.
原来又有了另一种传闻，说她在和我搞破鞋。 她要我给出我们清白无辜的证明。	There was another rumor in the air that she was having an affair with me and this time she wanted me to prove our innocence.
我说，要证明我们无辜，只有证明以下两点：1、陈清扬是处女；2、我是天阉之人，没有性交能力。	I told her that we would have to prove two things first before our innocence could be established: 1. Chen Qingyang was a virgin; 2. Castrated at birth, I was unable to have sex.
这两点都难以证明。 所以我们不能证明自己无辜。	These two things would be hard to prove, so we couldn't prove our innocence.
我倒倾向于证明自己不无辜。	I preferred to prove our guilt.
陈清扬听了这些话，先是气得脸白，然后满面通红，最后一声不吭地站起来走了。	On hearing my words, Chen Qingyang's face first turned pale and then blushed all over. Finally she stood up and left without saying a word.
陈清扬说，我始终是一个恶棍。	Chen Qingyang told me later that I had always been a scoundrel.
她第一次要我证明她清白无辜时，我翻了一串白眼，然后开始胡说八道。 第二次她要我证明我们俩无辜，我又一本正经地向她建议举行一次性交。	The first time she wanted me to prove her innocence, I looked up at the ceiling and began to talk nonsense; the next time she wanted me to prove our innocence, I earnestly suggested having intercourse with her.
所以她就决定，早晚要打我一个耳光。	So she decided she was going to slap me sooner or later.
假如我知道她有这样的打算，也许后面的事情就不会发生。	If I had guessed her plan at the time, the things that happened later might never have happened.
我过二十一岁生日那天，正在河边放牛。	On my twenty-first birthday, I was herding buffalo at the riverside.
下午我躺在草地上睡着了。	In the afternoon I fell asleep on the grass.
我睡去时，身上盖了几片芭蕉叶子，醒来时身上已经一无所有（叶子可能被牛吃了）。	I remembered covering myself with a few banana leaves before I fell asleep, but by the time I woke up I found nothing on my body. (Perhaps the buffalo had eaten the leaves.)
亚热带旱季的阳光把我晒得浑身赤红，痛痒难当，我的小和尚直翘翘地指向天空，尺寸空前。	The sunshine in the subtropical dry season had burned my entire body red, leaving me in an agony of burning and itching. My little Buddha pointed to the sky like an arrow, bigger than ever.
这就是我过生日时的情形。	That was how I spent my birthday.
我醒来时觉得阳光耀眼，天蓝得吓人，身上落了一层细细的尘土，好像一层爽身粉。	When I woke up, the sun glared down on me from a frighteningly blue sky. A layer of fine dust, like a coating of talcum powder, covered my whole body.
我一生经历的无数次勃起，都不及那一次雄浑有力，大概是因为在极荒僻的地方，四野无人。	I'd experienced numerous erections in my life, but none as vigorous and magnificent as that time. Perhaps it was because of the location, so isolated from the villages that not even a soul could be seen.
我爬起来看牛，发现它们都卧在远处的河岔里静静地嚼草。	I got up to check on my buffalo, only to find them all crouching at the far fork of the rivers, chewing grass quietly.
那时节万籁无声，田野上刮着白色的风。	It was a surpassingly still moment, and the white wind was gently blowing across the field.
河岸上有几对寨子里的牛在斗架，斗得眼珠通红，口角流涎。	On the bank, several pairs of bulls from the mountain village were fighting each other. Their eyes had turned red, and saliva drooled from the corner of their mouths.
这种牛阴囊紧缩，阳具挺直。	This sort of bull had tightly packed balls and protruding penises.
我们的牛不干这种事。	Our bulls were not like that.
任凭别人上门挑衅，我们的牛依旧安卧不动。	They would lie on the ground and stay put no matter how hard the other bulls tried to provoke them.
为了防止斗架伤身，影响春耕，我们把它们都阉了。	To prevent our bulls from hurting each other and slowing down the spring plowing, we castrated all of them.
每次阉牛我都在场。	I was present every time they castrated the bulls.
对于一般的公牛，只用刀割去即可。	Ordinary bulls could just be cut with a knife.
但是对于格外生性者，就须采取锤骟术，也就是割开阴囊，掏出睾九，一木锤砸个稀烂。	But for extremely wild ones, you have to employ the art of hammer-smashing, which is to cut open their scrotums, take out the balls, and then use a wooden hammer to pulverize them.
从此后受术者只知道吃草干活，别的什么都不知道，连杀都不用捆。	From then on these altered bulls knew nothing but grazing and working. No need to tie them down if you wanted to kill them.
掌锤的队长毫不怀疑这种手术施之于人类也能得到同等的效力，每回他都对我们呐喊：你们这些生牛蛋子，就欠砸上一锤才能老实！	Our team leader, the one who always wielded the hammer, had no doubts that surgery of this kind would also work on humans. He would shout at us all the time: You young bulls! You need a good hammering to make you behave.
按他的逻辑，我身上这个通红通红，直不愣登，长约一尺的东西就是罪恶的化身。	In his way of thinking, this red, stiff, foot-long thing on my body was the incarnation of evil.
当然，我对此有不同的意见。	Of course, I had a different opinion.
在我看来，这东西无比重要，就如我之存在本身。	To me, the thing was extremely important, as important as my existence itself.
天色微微向晚，天上飘着懒洋洋的云彩。	The darkness began to settle in, and a cloud drifted idly across the sky.
下半截沉在黑暗里，上半截仍浮在阳光中。	The lower half of the cloud was immersed in darkness and the upper half still floated in sunshine.
那一天我二十一岁，在我一生的黄金时代， 我有好多奢望。 我想爱，想吃，还想在一瞬间变成天上半明半暗的云。	That day I was twentyone, and in the golden age of my life. I had so many desires; I wanted to love, to eat, and to be turned in a flash into the halfbright and half-dark cloud in the sky.
后来我才知道，生活就是个缓慢受锤的过程，人一天天老下去，奢望也一天天消失，最后变得像挨了锤的牛一样。	Only much later did I realize that life is a slow process of being hammered. People grow old day after day, their desire disappears little by little, and finally they become like those hammered bulls.
可是我过二十一岁生日时没有预见到这一点。	However, that idea never crossed my mind on my twenty-first birthday.
我觉得自己会永远生猛下去，什么也锤不了我。	I thought I would always be lively and strong, and that nothing could beat me.
那天晚上我请陈清扬来吃鱼，所以应该在下午把鱼弄到手。	I had invited Chen Qingyang over to eat fish with me that night, so I was supposed to catch fish in the afternoon.
到下午五点多钟我才想起到戽鱼的现场去看看。	But not until five o'clock did I remember I needed to go to where the fish were supposed to have been trapped to take a look.
还没走进那条小河岔，两个景颇族孩子就从里面一路打出来，烂泥横飞，我身上也挨了好几块，直到我拎住他们的耳朵，他们才罢手。	Before I reached the small fork of the rivers, two Jingpo boys ran up, hurling mud at one another all the way. Some landed on me. They stopped fighting only after I picked them up by their ears.
我喝问一声：“鸡巴，鱼呢？”	I shouted at them, "You pricks, where're the fish?"
那个年记大点的说：“都怪鸡巴勒农！	The older one said, "It was all that prick Le Long's fault!
他老坐在坝上，把坝坐鸡巴倒了！”	He sat on the dam all the time, so the dam fucking collapsed."
勒农直着嗓子吼：“王二！ 坝打得不鸡巴牢！”	Le Long roared back, "Wang Er, the fucking dam you built wasn't strong enough!"
我说：“放屁！	I said, "That's bullshit!
老子砍草皮打的坝，哪个鸡巴敢说不牢？”	I built the dam with sod. What prick has the nerve to say it wasn't strong enough?"
到里面一看，不管是因为勒农坐的也好，还是因为我的坝没打好也罢，反正坝是倒了，戽出来的水又流回去，鱼全泡了汤，一整天的劳动全都白费。	I went down to see for myself. Whether Le Long's fault or mine, the dam was gone anyway. The water we bailed out all flowed back, any hope of catching fish went down the drain, and the whole day went to waste.
我当然不能承认是我的错，就痛骂勒农。	Of course, I wouldn't admit it was my fault. Instead I yelled at Le Long.
勒都（就是那另一个孩子）也附合我。	Le Du (the other boy) also chimed in.
勒农上了火，一跳三尺高，嘴里吼道：“王二！	Le Long began to get angry. He jumped up a couple of feet and roared, "Wang Er!
勒都！	Le Du!
鸡巴！	You pricks!
你们姐夫舅子合伙搞我！	You are ganging up on me!
我去告诉我家爹，拿铜炮枪打你们！”	I'm going to tell my father. He'll shoot the two of you with his bronze-barreled shotgun!"
说完这小免崽子就往河岸上窜，想一走了之。	After saying this, the little bastard tried to leap onto the bank to escape.
我一把薅住他脚脖子，把他揪下来。	I caught his ankle and pulled him back.
“你走了我们给你赶牛哇？	"You want to run off and leave us to herd your buffalo?
做你娘的美梦！”	You're fucking dreaming!"
这小子哇哇叫着要咬我，被我劈开手按在地上。	The little bastard wailed wa-wa and tried to bite me. But I grabbed him, pinned him to the ground, and held him hard.
他口吐白沫，杂着汉话、景颇话、傣话骂我，我用正庄京片子回骂。	He frothed at the mouth, cursing me in a mix of Mandarin, Jingpo, and Thai. I talked back in standard Beijing dialect.
忽然间他不骂了，往我下体看去，脸上露出无限羡慕之情。	All of a sudden, he stopped cursing, eyeing the lower part of my body with envy.
我低头一看，我的小和尚又直立起来了。	I looked down and found my little Buddha standing up again.
只听勒农啧啧赞美道： “哇！	I heard Le Long click his tongue admiringly, "Wow!
想日勒都家姐啊！”	Want to fuck Le Du's sister?"
我赶紧扔下他去穿裤子。	I immediately dropped him to put on my pants.
晚上我在水泵房点起汽灯，陈清扬就会忽然到来，谈起她觉得活着很没意思，还说到她在每件事上都是清白无辜。	When I lit the gas lamp at the pump house, Chen Qingyang would often arrive unexpectedly and complain that life was meaningless. She also said that she believed she was innocent in every respect.
我说她竟敢觉得自己清白无辜，这本身就是最大的罪孽。	I said that the way she dared claim innocence was itself the biggest sin.
照我的看法，每个人的本性都是好吃懒作，好色贪淫，假如你克勤克俭，守身如玉，这就犯了矫饰之罪，比好吃懒作、好色贪淫更可恶。	In my opinion, craving good food and aversion to hard work, together with lust for beauty and sex, make up a human being's basic nature. If you were a hard worker who lived a frugal and chaste life, you would commit the sin of hypocrisy, which was more disgusting than greed, sensuality, or laziness.
这些话她好像很听得进去，但是从不附合。	Words like this seemed to please her, although she never agreed with what I said out loud.
那天晚上我在河边上点起汽灯，陈清扬却迟迟不至，直到九点钟以后，她才到门前来喊我：“王二，混蛋！	However, when I lit the gas lamp that night, she didn't show up for a long time. It was not until nine that she appeared at my door and called my name, "Wang Er, you stinker!
你出来！”	Come out!"
我出去一口看，她穿了一身白，打扮得格外整齐，但是表情不大轻松。	I went out to see what was going on. Dressed all in white, she looked especially smart, although her expression seemed tense.
她说道：你请我来吃鱼，做倾心之谈，鱼在哪里？	She said, You invited me over to eat fish and have a heart-to-heart, but where is the fish?
我只好说，鱼还在河里。	I had to admit that the fish were still in the river.
她说好吧，还剩下一个倾心之谈。	All right, she said, at least we can still have a heart-to-heart.
就在这儿谈罢。	Then let's talk.
我说进屋去谈，她说那也无妨，就进屋来坐着，看样子火气甚盛。	I said, How about we go inside first? She said that's fine, too. So she went in and found herself a place to sit. She looked angry.
我过二十一岁生日那天，打算在晚上引诱陈清扬，因为陈清扬是我的朋友，而且胸部很丰满，腰很细，屁股浑圆。 除此之外，她的脖子端正修长，脸也很漂亮。	I had planned to seduce Chen Qingyang on my twenty-first birthday, because she was my friend; and she had a full bosom, a slender waist, and shapely buttocks; besides, her neck was long and graceful and her face was pretty, too.
我想和她性交，而且认为她不应该不同意。	I wanted to have sex with her and thought she shouldn't refuse.
假如她想借我的身体练开膛，我准让她开。 所以我借她身体一用也没什么不可以。	Because if she'd needed my body to practice vivisection, I would have lent it to her without giving it a second thought; likewise, if I needed to use her body for pleasure, it shouldn't be a problem either.
唯一的问题是她是个女人，女人家总有点小器。	But she was a woman, and women in general were more or less small-minded.
为此我要启发她，所以我开始阐明什么叫作“义气”。	For that reason, I needed to expand her mind, so I began to explain what "brotherhood" was.
在我看来，义气就是江湖好汉中那种伟大友谊。	In my opinion, brotherhood was the kind of great friendship that only existed among the outlaws of the forest.
水浒中的豪杰们，杀人放火的事是家常便饭，可一听说及时雨的大名，立即倒身便拜。	Take the heroes in The Legend of the Water Margins for example. Those guys would kill and set fires as soon as eat. But as long as they heard the great name of Timely Rain, they would fall to their knees and kowtow.
我也像那些草莽英雄，什么都不信，唯一不能违背的就是义气。	Like them, I believed in nothing but brotherhood.
只要你是我的朋友，哪怕你十恶不赦，为天地所不容，我也要站到你身边。	If you were my friend, even if you committed a crime beyond Heaven's forgiveness, I would still stand by you.
那天晚上我把我的伟大友谊奉献给陈清扬，她大为感动，当即表示道：这友谊她接受了。 不但如此，她还说要以更伟大的友谊还报我，哪怕我是个卑鄙小人也不背叛。	That night, I offered my great friendship to Chen Qingyang and she was immediately moved to tears. She accepted my friendship right away, and, what was more, even expressed her wish to reward me with a greater friendship, saying that she would never betray me even if I turned out to be a low-down, shifty little scoundrel.
我听她如此说，大为放心，就把底下的话也说了出来：我已经二十一岁了，男女间的事情还没体验过，真是不甘心。	Relieved by her words, naturally I told her what was really on my mind: I'm twenty-one, but I've never experienced what happens between a man and a woman. I really can't resign myself to that.
她听了以后就开始发愣，大概是没有思想准备。	She stared at me blankly after hearing my words—maybe she was not prepared for this.
说了半天她毫无反应。 我把手放到她的肩膀上去，感觉她的肌肉绷得很紧。	I kept persuading her, which didn't seem to work, so I put my hand on her shoulder and felt the tension in her muscles.
这娘们随时可能翻了脸给我一耳光，假定如此，就证明女人不懂什么是交情。	The woman could change her mind any minute and slap me—if that occurred, it would only prove that women didn't understand what great friendship meant.
可是她没有。	But to my surprise, she didn't slap me.
忽然间她哼了一声，就笑起来。	Instead she snorted and then started laughing.
还说：我真笨！	How stupid I am!
这么容易就着了你的道儿！	To be tricked so easily!
我说：什么道儿？	What trick?
你说什么？	What are you talking about?
	I played dumb.
她说：我什么也没有说。	She said, I didn't say anything.
我问她我刚才说的事儿你答应不答应？	I asked her will you do it or not?
她说呸，而且满面通红。	She said "Pah!" and she blushed.
我看她有点不好意思，就采取主动，动手动脚。	It looked like she was a little shy, so I decided to take the initiative and began to get fresh with her.
她搡了我几把，后来说，不在这儿，咱们到山上去。	She tried to push me away a few times, and then said, No, not here. Let's go up to the mountain.
我就和她一块到山上去了。	So I followed her all the way up to the mountain.
陈清扬后来说，她始终没搞明白我那个伟大友谊是真的呢，还是临时编出来骗她。	Later on, Chen Qingyang told me that she had never been able to figure out whether my great friendship was true or just a lie that I had made up then to trick her.
但是她又说，那些话就像咒语一样让她着迷，哪怕为此丧失一切，也不懊侮。	But she said that those words enchanted her like a spell, and that even if she lost everything because of it she'd have no regrets.
其实伟大友谊不真也不假，就如世上一切东西一样，你信它是真，它就真下去。 你疑它是假，它就是假的。 我的话也半真不假。 但是我随时准备兑现我的话，哪怕天崩地裂也不退却。	Actually, the great friendship was neither true nor false, like everything else in the world. It was true if you believed it, and false if you didn't; my words were also neither true nor false, but I was prepared to stand by my words anytime and wouldn't back off even if the sky collapsed and the earth cracked open.
就因为这种态度，别人都不相信我。 我虽然把交朋友当成终身的事业，所交到的朋友不过陈清扬等二三人而已。	Because of this attitude of mine, no one really believed me, which explained why I made no more than a couple of friends, including Chen Qingyang, even though I took it on as a lifelong cause.
那天晚上我们到山上去，走到半路她说要回家一趟，要我到后山上等她。	That night, halfway up the mountain, Chen Qingyang told me that she needed to go back to her place to get something, telling me to wait for her on the other side of the mountain.
我有点怀疑她要晾我，但是我没说出来，径直走到后山上去抽烟。	I suspected that she might want to stand me up, but I didn't say anything. I went straight to the other side of the mountain and smoked.
等了一些时间，她来了。	After a while, she arrived.
陈清扬说，我第一次去找她打针时，她正在伏案打瞌睡。	Chen Qingyang said that the first time I went to her for a shot, she was dozing at her desk.
在云南每个人都有很多时间打瞌睡，所以总是半睡半醒。	In Yunnan everyone had plenty of time to nap, so they always seemed half asleep and half awake.
我走进去时，屋子里暗了一下，因为是草顶土坯房，大多数光从门口进来。	When I walked into her clinic, the room dimmed for a moment because it was a thatched mud hut where most of the sunshine came in through the door.
她就在那一刻醒来，抬头问我干什么。	She awakened right then, raised her head, and asked what I was doing there.
我说腰疼，她说躺下让我看看。	I said my lower back hurt and she told me to lie down so that she could take a look at it.
我就一头倒下去，扑到竹板床上，几乎把床砸塌。 我的腰痛得厉害，完全不能打弯。	I threw myself headlong onto the bamboo bed and nearly crushed it—my lower back hurt so much that I simply could not bend.
要不是这样，我也不会来找她。	If it hadn't been for that I wouldn't have gone to see her.
陈清扬说，我很年轻时就饿纹入嘴，眼睛下面乌黑。	Chen Qingyang said my mouth had lines around it even when I was very young, and dark circles always showed under my eyes.
我的身材很高，衣服很破，而且不爱说话。	I was a tall man of few words in worn-out clothes.
她给我打过针，我就走了，好像说了一声谢了，又好像没说。	She gave me a shot and I left. Maybe I thanked her, or maybe I didn't.
等到她想起可以让我证明她不是破鞋时，已经过了半分钟。	When she had the idea I could prove she wasn't damaged goods, only half a minute passed.
她追了出来，看见我正取近路走回十四队。	She ran out and found me taking a shortcut to the fourteenth team.
我从土坡上走下去，逢沟跳沟，逢坎跃坎，顺着山势下得飞快。	I strode down the slope, leaping over the ditches and mounds whenever there was one, descending rapidly along the mountain slope.
那时正逢旱季的上午，风从山下吹来，喊我也听不见。 而且我从来也不回头。	It was a morning in the dry season, and the wind blew up from the foot of the mountain, so I couldn't have heard anything even if she'd called me, not to mention that I never looked back anyway.
我就这样走掉了。	So that was the way I left.
陈清扬说，当时她想去追我，可是觉得很难追上。 而且我也不一定能够证明她不是破鞋。	Chen Qingyang said she had wanted to go after me then, but felt it would be hard to catch up, and besides I might not be able to prove her innocence.
所以她走回医务室去。	So she walked back to the clinic.
后来她又改变了主意去找我，是因为所有的人都说她是破鞋，因此所有的人都是敌人。	She changed her mind later because she realized since everyone accused her of being damaged goods, they were all her enemies.
而我可能不是敌人。	It was possible that I was not her enemy.
她不愿错过了机会，让我也变成敌人。	She didn't want to risk turning me into an enemy also.
那天晚上我在后山上抽烟。	I smoked on the back slope of the mountain that night.
虽然在夜里，我能看见很远的地方。 因为月光很明亮，当地的空气又很干净。	Even though it was evening I could see into the distance, because the moonlight was bright, and the air was clear in that region.
我还能听见远处的狗叫声。	Every now and then, I could hear dogs barking in the distance.
陈清扬一出十五队我就看见了，白天未必能看这么远。	I spotted Chen Qingyang as soon as she came out of the fifteenth team—I doubted if I could see that far during the day.
虽然如此，还是和白天不一样。	But it felt different from the day.
也许是因为到处都没人。	Perhaps because there was no one around.
我也说不准夜里这片山上有人没人，因为到处是银灰色的一片。	I couldn't tell whether there were people around or not in the evening, because it was silver-gray everywhere.
假如有人打着火把行路，那就是说，希望全世界的人都知道他在那里。 假如你不打火把，就如穿上了隐身衣，知道你在那里的人能看见，不知道的人不能看见。	If you traveled with a torch, it meant you wanted the whole world to know where you were; if you didn't, it would be like wearing a cape of invisibility—people who knew you were there could see you, and people who didn't couldn't.
我看见陈清扬慢慢走近，怦然心动，无师自通地想到，做那事之前应该亲热一番。	When I saw Chen Qingyang slowly coming toward me, my heart began to pound, and it occurred to me without any instruction that we should have a little foreplay before getting down to business.
陈清扬对此的反应是冷冰冰的。	Chen Qingyang reacted pretty coldly to this.
她的嘴唇冷冰冰，对爱抚也毫无反应。	Her lips were icy, and she didn't respond to my caresses at all.
等到我毛手毛脚给她解扣子时，她把我推开，自己把衣服一件件脱下来，叠好放在一边，自己直挺挺躺在草地上。	By the time I tried to unbutton her dress, all thumbs, she pushed me away and started taking off her clothes by herself, piece by piece. She folded her clothes neatly and put them aside. Then she lay down stiffly on the grass.
陈清扬的裸体美极了。	Her naked body was extremely beautiful.
我赶紧脱了衣服爬过去，她又一把把我推开，递给我一个东西说：“会用吗？	I took off my clothes in a hurry and crawled over to her. Again she pushed me off, handing me something, saying, "Know how to use this?
要不要我教你？”	Want me to teach you?"
那是一个避孕套。	It was a condom.
我正在兴头上，对她这种口气只微感不快。	I was at the height of my excitement and the tone of her voice upset me a little.
套上之后又爬到她身上去，心慌气躁地好一阵乱弄，也没弄对。	But I put on the condom anyway and crawled on top of her. Heart racing and out of breath, I fumbled for quite a while and couldn't get it right.
忽然她冷冰冰他说： “喂！ 你知道自己在干什么吗？”	Again I heard her cold voice, "Hey, do you know what you're doing?"
我说当然知道。	I said, Of course I do.
能不能劳你大驾躺过来一点？	Could you please move a little closer?
我要就着亮儿研究一下你的结构。	I want to study your anatomy in the light.
只听啪的一声巨响，好似一声耳边雷，她给我一个大耳光。	Then with a sound as loud as a thunderclap at my ear, I realized she'd given me a big slap.
我跳起来，拿了自己的衣服，拔腿就走。	I jumped to my feet, grabbed my clothes, and ran.