后来我们在饭店里重温伟大友谊，谈到各种事情。	When we relived our great friendship later in the hotel room, we talked about all kinds of things.
谈到了当年的各种可能性，谈到了我写的交待材料，还谈到了我的小和尚。	We talked about everything we could have done back then, the confessions I wrote, and even the little Buddha of mine.
那东西一听别人谈到它，就激昂起来，蠢动个不停。	As soon as the thing heard people talking about him, he became excited and began to stir.
因此我总结道，那时人家要把我们锤掉，但是没有锤动。	So I concluded: back then they'd wanted to hammer us but failed.
我到今天还强硬如初。	I was still as hard as ever.
为了伟大友谊，我还能光着屁股上街跑三圈。	For the sake of our great friendship, I would even run three times around the block, bare assed.
我这个人，一向不大知道要脸。	A person like me never cares much about saving face.
不管怎么说，那是我的黄金时代。 虽然我被人当成流氓。	After all, that was my golden age, even though I was considered a hooligan.
我认识那里好多人，包括赶马帮的流浪汉，山上的老景颇等等。	I knew a lot of people there, including the nomads in caravans, the old Jingpos living on the mountains, and so on.
提起会修表的王二，大家都知道。	When you mentioned Wang Er who knew how to fix watches, everyone knew who he was.
我和他们在火边喝那种两毛钱一斤的酒，能喝很多。	I could sit with them by the fire and drink the kind of wine that only costs twenty fen for half a gallon. I could drink a lot.
我在他们那里大受欢迎。	I was very popular there.
除了这些人，猪场里的猪也喜欢我，因为我喂猪时，猪食里的糠比平时多三倍。	Other than those people, the pigs in the farm also liked me. That was because when I fed them, I used three times more bran than others did.
然后就和司务长吵架，我说，我们猪总得吃饱吧。	Because of that I fought with the mess chief. I said, at least our pigs should have enough food.
我身上带有很多伟大友谊，要送给一切人。	I always had a lot of friendship, and would have liked to share it with everyone.
因为他们都不要，所以都发泄在陈清扬身上了。	Since they didn't want my friendship, I unloaded all of it on Chen Qingyang.
我和陈清扬在饭店里敦伟大友谊，是娱乐性的。	The strengthening of our great friendship that Chen Qingyang and I did while in the hotel room was of the recreational sort.
中间退出来一次，只见小和尚上血迹斑斑。	I pulled out once in the middle of it and found my little Buddha smeared with blood.
她说，年纪大了，里面有点薄，你别那么使劲。	She said, An older woman's insides get a bit thin, don't push too hard.
她还说，在南方待久了，到了北方手就裂。	She also said she'd stayed in the south so long that her hands cracked when she came to the north.
而蛤蜊油的质量下降，抹在手上一点用都不管。	The quality of skin cream had declined and it was no use putting it on her hands.
说完了这些话，她拿出一小瓶甘油来，抹在小和尚上面。	After saying this, she took out a small bottle of glycerin and applied some to my little Buddha.
然后正着敦，说话方便。	Then we did it from the front so we could keep talking.
我就像一根待解的木料，躺在她分开的双腿中间。	I felt like a wedge for splitting wood, lying between her widely opened legs.
陈清扬脸上有很多浅浅的皱纹，在灯光下好像一条条金线。	In the lamplight, the network of fine lines on Chen Qingyang's face looked like pieces of golden thread.
我吻她的嘴，她没反对。 这就是说，她的嘴唇很柔软，而且分开了。	I kissed her mouth, and she didn't object—that is to say her lips were soft and parted.
以前她不让我吻她嘴唇，让我吻她下巴和脖子交界的地方。	She hadn't let me kiss her mouth before, only letting me kiss the line between her chin and her neck.
她说，这样刺激性欲。	She said this would arouse her.
然后继续谈到过去的事。	Then we continued to talk about things past.
陈清扬说，那也是她的黄金时代。	Chen Qingyang said that was also her golden age.
虽然被人称做破鞋，但是她清白无辜。	Even though people called her damaged goods, she was innocent.
她到现在还是无辜的。	She was still innocent now.
听了这话，我笑起来。	After hearing this, I laughed.
但是她说，我们在干的事算不上罪孽。	But she said, what we're doing now doesn't count as a sin.
我们有伟大友谊，一起逃亡，一起出斗争差，过了二十年又见面，她当然要分开两腿让我趴进来。	We had a great friendship, ran away, went on denouncement trips together, and now that we met again after twenty years' separation, of course she would open her legs to let me crawl in.
所以就算是罪孽，她也不知罪在何处。	So even if it were considered a sin, she didn't know where the sin lay.
更主要的是，她对这罪恶一无所知。	More importantly, she had no knowledge of this sin.
然后她又一次呼吸急促起来。	Then once again, she began to breathe heavily.
她的脸变得赤红，两腿把我用力夹紧，身体在我下面绷紧，压抑的叫声一次又一次穿过牙关，过了很久才松驰下来。	Her face turned scarlet, her legs locked me tightly, and her body beneath me tensed while again and again muffled screams came through her clenched teeth. Only after a long while did she relax.
这时她说很不坏。	Then she said it was not bad at all.
很不坏之后，她还说这不是罪孽。	After the "not bad at all," she still said it was no sin.
因为她像苏格拉底，对一切都一无所知。	Because she was like Socrates, ignorant of everything.
虽然活了四十多岁，眼前还是奇妙的新世界。	Even though she had lived more than forty years, the world before her eyes still appeared miraculous and new.
她不知道为什么人家要把她发到云南那个荒凉的地方，也不知为什么又放她回来。 不知道为什么要说她是破鞋，把她押上台去斗争，也不知道为什么又说她不是破鞋，把写好的材料又抽出来。	She didn't know why they dispatched her to a desolate place like Yunnan, nor did she know the reason for letting her return; she didn't know why they accused her of being damaged goods and escorted her to the stage to be denounced, nor could she figure out why they said she was not damaged goods and removed the confessions she had written from her file.
这些事有过各种解释，但没有一种她能听懂。	There were all kinds of explanations for these things, but she understood none of them.
她是如此无知，所以她无罪。	She was so ignorant that she had to be innocent.
一切法律书上都是这么写的。	So it is written in all the law books.
陈清扬说，人活在世上，就是为了忍受摧残，一直到死。	Chen Qingyang said, People live in this world to suffer torment until they die.
想明了这一点，一切都能泰然处之。	Once you figure this out, you'll be able to bear everything calmly.
要说明她怎会有这种见识，一切都要回溯到那一回我从医院回来，从她那里经过进了山。	To explain how she came to this realization, we need to go all the way back to the time I returned from the hospital and left for the mountains from her place.
我叫她去看我，她一直在犹豫。	I asked her to come to see me and she hesitated for a long time.
等到她下定了决心，穿过中午的热风，来到我的草房前面，那一瞬间，她心里有很多美丽的想像。	When she finally decided and walked through the hot noon air to my thatched hut, many beautiful images went through her mind during those moments.
等到她进了那间草房，看见我的小和尚直挺挺，像一件丑恶的刑具。	Then she entered the thatched hut and saw my little Buddha sticking up like an ugly instrument of torture.
那时她惊叫起来，放弃了一切希望。	She cried out then and abandoned all hope.
陈清扬说，在此之前二十多年前一个冬日，她走到院子里去。	Chen Qingyang said, twenty years earlier, on a winter day, she walked into her courtyard.
那时节她穿着棉衣，艰难地爬过院门的门槛。	She had on a cotton coat then, and climbed across the threshold clumsily.
忽然一粒砂粒钻进了她的眼睛，那么的疼，冷风又是那样的割脸，眼泪不停地流。	A grain of sand suddenly got into her eye. It was so painful and the cold wind was so cutting that her tears kept rolling down.
她觉得难以忍受，立刻大哭起来，企图在一张小床上哭醒。	She couldn't bear it and wept, as if she were in her little bed trying to cry herself awake.
这是与生俱来的积习，根深蒂固。 放声大哭从一个梦境进入另一个梦境，这是每个人都有的奢望。	This was an old habit born with her, deeply rooted, that we are wailing our way from one dream into another—this was the extravagant hope that we all have.
陈清扬说，她去找我时，树林里飞舞着金蝇。	Chen Qingyang said that when she went to look for me, golden flies danced in the woods.
风从所有的方向吹来，穿过衣襟，爬到身上。	The wind blew from every direction, penetrating her clothes and climbing her body.
我待的那个地方可算是空山无人。	The place I lived could be called an empty mountain without a human trace.
炎热的阳光好像细碎的云母片，从天顶落下来。	The burning sunlight dropped from the heights like shattered bits of mica.
在一件薄薄的白大褂下，她已经脱得精光。	Beneath her thin, white smock, she had stripped off all her underwear.
那时她心里也有很多奢望。	At that moment her heart, too, was full of extravagant hope.
不管怎么说，那也是她的黄金时代，虽然那时她被人叫作破鞋。	After all, it was also her golden age, even though she was called damaged goods.
陈清扬说，她到山里找我时，爬过光秃秃的山岗。	Chen Qingyang said, when she went into the mountains to look for me, she climbed over a bare hill.
风从衣服下面吹进来，吹过她的性敏感带，那时她感到的性欲，就如风一样捉摸不定。	Wind blew in from below and caressed her sensitive parts. And the desire she felt then was as unpredictable as wind.
它放散开，就如山野上的凤。	It dispersed just like the wild mountain wind.
她想到了我们的伟大友谊，想起我从山上急匆匆地走下去。	She thought about our great friendship, thought about how I hurried down the mountain.
她还记得我长了一头乱蓬蓬的头发，论证她是破鞋时，目光笔直地看着她。	She also remembered my head of tousled hair; how directly I stared at her when I proved she was damaged goods.
她感到需要我，我们可以合并，成为雄雌一体。 就如幼小时她爬出门槛，感到了外面的风。	She felt she needed me, and we could become one, female and male in a single body, just as when she crawled over the threshold as a child and felt the wind outside.
天是那么蓝，阳光是那么亮，天上还有鸽子在飞。	The sky was so blue, the sunshine so bright, and there were pigeons flying around in the sky.
鸽哨的声音叫人终身难忘。	The whistling of those pigeons you would remember for the rest of your life.
此时她想和我交谈，正如那时节她渴望和外面的世界合为一体，溶化到天地中去。	She wanted to talk to me at that moment, just as she longed to merge with the outside world, to dissolve into the sky and the earth.
假如世界上只有她一个人，那实在是太寂寞了。	If there were only one person—only her—in this world, she would feel too lonely.
陈清扬说，她到我的小草房里去时，想到了一切东西，就是没想到小和尚。	Chen Qingyang said, when she went to my little thatched hut, she thought about everything except the little Buddha.
那东西太丑，简直不配出现在梦幻里。	That thing was too ugly to appear in her musing.
当时陈清扬也想大哭一场，但是哭不出来，好像被人捏住了喉咙。	Chen Qingyang wanted to wail then, but she couldn't cry out, as if someone were choking her.
这就是所谓的真实。	This is the so-called truth.
真实就是无法醒来。	The truth is that you can't wake up.
那一瞬间她终于明白了在世界上有些什么，下一瞬间她就下定了决心，走上前来，接受摧残，心里快乐异常。	That was the moment she finally figured out what the world was made of; and the next moment she made up her mind: she stepped forward to accept the torment. She felt unusually happy.
陈清扬还说，那一瞬间，她又想起了在门槛上痛哭的时刻。	Chen Qingyang also said, just then, she once again remembered the moment she cried without restraint in the doorway.
那时她哭了又哭，总是哭不醒。 而痛苦也没有一点减小的意思。	She cried and cried, but couldn't awaken from crying, and the agony was undiminished.
她哭了很久，总是不死心。 她一直不死心，直到二十年后面对小和尚。	She cried for a long time, but she didn't want to give up hope, not until twenty years later when she faced the little Buddha.
这已经不是她第一次面对小和尚。	It was not the first time that she faced the little Buddha.
但是以前她不相信世界上还有这种东西。	But before then she didn't believe there was such a thing in the world.
陈清扬说，她面对这丑恶的东西，想到了伟大友谊。	Chen Qingyang said, facing this ugly thing, she remembered our great friendship.
大学里有个女同学，长得丑恶如鬼（或者说，长得也是这个模样），却非要和她睡一个床。	When she was in the university, she had a female classmate who was as ugly as a devil (or to put it in these terms, she looked like my little Buddha). But the girl insisted on sharing a bed with her.
不但如此，到夜深入静的时候，还要吻她的嘴，摸她的乳房。	What was more, when everyone fell fast sleep, the girl would kiss her mouth and fondle her breasts.
说实在的，她没有这方面的嗜好。 但是为了交情，她忍住了。	To tell the truth, she didn't have this particular hobby, but tolerated it for the sake of their friendship.
如今这个东西张牙舞爪，所要求的不过是同一种东西。	Now, here was this thing baring its teeth and unsheathing its claws, and wanting exactly the same thing.
就让它如愿以尝，也算是交友之道。	Then let it be satisfied, which in addition can be a way to make friends.
所以她走上前来，把它的丑恶深深埋葬，心里快乐异常。	So she stepped forward, burying its ugliness deep inside her. She felt unusually happy.
陈清扬说，到那时她还相信自己是无辜的。 甚至直到她和我逃进深山里去，几乎每天都敦伟大友谊。	Chen Qingyang said until then she still believed she was innocent, even after she ran away into the heart of the mountains and strengthened our great friendship almost every day.
她说这丝毫也不能说明她有多么坏，因为她不知道我和我的小和尚为什么要这样。	She said this wouldn't prove she was bad at all because she didn't know why my little Buddha and I wanted to do this.
她这样做是为了伟大友谊，伟大友谊是一种诺言。	She did it for our great friendship. Great friendship is a promise.
守信肯定不是罪孽。	Keeping a promise is certainly no sin.
她许诺过要帮助我，而且是在一切方面。	She had promised to help me in every respect.
但是我在深山里在她屁股上打了两下，彻底玷污了她的清白。	But I spanked her bottom in the midst of the mountains, which completely tarnished her innocence.
我写了很长时间交待材料，领导上总说，交待得不彻底，还要继续交待。	I wrote confessions for a long time. The leaders always said that I didn't confess thoroughly enough and needed to continue.
所以我以为，我的下半辈子要在交待中度过。	So I thought I would have to spend the rest of my life confessing.
最后陈清扬写了一篇交待材料，没给我看，就交到了人保组。	Finally, Chen Qingyang wrote a confession without letting me see it and turned it into the public security office.
此后就再没让我们写材料。 不但如此，也不叫我们出斗争差。	After that, no one asked us to write confessions or go on denouncement trips anymore.
不但如此，陈清扬对我也冷淡起来。	What was more, Chen Qingyang began to distance herself from me.
我没情没绪地过了一段时间，自己回了内地。	I lived a listless existence for a while and went back to the interior alone.
她到底写了什么，我怎么也猜不出来。	What she wrote in the end, I hadn't a clue.
从云南回来时我损失了一切东西：我的枪，我的刀，我的工具，只多了一样东西，就是档案袋鼓了起来。	I lost everything when I came back from Yunnan: my gun, my knife, and my tools. I gained one thing: a bulging file of confessions.
那里面有我自己写的材料，从此不管我到什么地方，人家都能知道我是流氓。	From then on, wherever I went, people would know that I was a hooligan.
所得的好处是比别人早回城，但是早回来没什么好，还得到京郊插队。	One benefit I got was that I returned to the city earlier than the other city students. But what was the good of returning earlier? I still had to be reeducated in the countryside near Beijing.
我到云南时，带了很全的工具，桌拿子、小台钳都有。	When I went to Yunnan, I had brought a full set of tools with me: wrench, small vise, and so on.
除了钳工家具，还有一套修表工具。	Besides a set of fitter's tools, I also had a set of watchmaker's tools.
住在刘大爹后山上时，我用它给人看手表。	I used them to fix watches while living on Grandpa Liu's back slope.
虽然空山寂寂，有些马帮却从那里过。	Even though the mountain was empty and lonely, some bands of horsemen passed by from time to time.
有人让我鉴定走私表，我说值多少就值多少。	Some of them let me appraise the smuggled watches. Whatever the value I suggested, that would be the price, the watch would be worth that much.
当然不是白干。	Of course I didn't do it for free.
所以我在山上很活得过。	So I lived quite comfortably in the mountains.
要是不下来，现在也是万元户。	If I hadn't come down, I'd be a millionaire by now.
至于那把双筒猎枪，也是一宝。	As for that double-barreled shotgun, it was a treasure as well.
原来当地卡宾枪老套筒都不希罕，就是没见过那玩意。	It turned out that the locals didn't value carbines and rifles much, but the double-barreled shotgun was a rarity to them.
筒子那么粗，又是两个管，我拿了它很能唬人。	The barrel was so heavy, plus there were two. I could really scare people off with it.
要不人家早把我们抢了。	Otherwise we would have been robbed long ago.
我，特别是刘老爹，人家不会抢，恐怕要把陈清扬抢走。	Nobody wanted to rob me or Grandpa Liu, but they might want to take Chen Qingyang away.
至于我的刀，老拴在一条牛皮大带上。 牛皮大带又老拴陈清扬腰上。	As for my knife, I always fastened it on a cowhide belt, and the cowhide belt was always fastened around Chen Qingyang's waist.
睡觉做爱都不摘下来。	She wouldn't take it off even when she was sleeping or making love to me.
她觉得带刀很气派。	She thought it was charming to carry a knife with her.
所以这把刀可以说已经属于陈清扬。	So you can say that the knife actually belonged to Chen Qingyang.
枪和刀我已说过，被人保组要走了。	As I mentioned before, both the knife and gun were confiscated by the public security office.
我的工具下山时就没带下来，就放在山上，准备不顺利时再往山上跑。	I didn't bring my tools with me when I came down the mountains; I left them on the mountain in case things didn't go smoothly.
回来时行色匆匆，没顾上去拿，因此我成了彻底的穷光蛋。	By the time I went back to Beijing, I was in a hurry and didn't have time to fetch the tools. That was how I was reduced to a complete zero.
我对陈清扬说，我怎么也想不出来在最后一篇交待里她写了什么。	I told Chen Qingyang that I could never figure out what she wrote in her last confession.
她说，现在不能告诉我。	She said she couldn't tell me right then.
要告诉我这件事，只能等到了分手的时候。	She wanted to wait until we said goodbye to each other.
第二天她要回上海，她叫我送她上车站。	She was going back to Shanghai the next day. She asked me to see her off at the train station.
陈清扬在各个方面都和我不同。	Chen Qingyang was different from me in every respect.
天亮以后，洗了个冷水澡（没有热水了），她穿戴起来。	After daybreak, she took a cold shower (the hot water had run out), and then began to dress up.
从内衣到外衣，她都是一个香喷喷的LADY。	From underwear to outfit, she was a perfumed lady.
而我从内衣到外衣都是一个地道的土流氓。	I, on the other hand, was a genuine local hooligan from underwear to outfit.
无怪人家把她的交待材料抽了出来，不肯抽出我的。	No wonder people took the confessions out of her file but left mine.
这就是说，她那破裂的处女膜长了起来。	That is to say, her hymen had grown back.
而我呢，根本就没长过那个东西。	As for me, I never had that thing anyway.
除此之外，我还犯了教唆之罪，我们在一起犯了很多错误，既然她不知罪，只好都算在我账上。	Besides that, I also committed the crime of instigation. We had committed many errors together and since she didn't know what her sin was, it had to be counted as mine.
我们结了账，走到街上去。	We checked out and walked in the street.
这时我想，她那篇交待材料一定淫秽万分。	Now I began to think that the last confession of hers must be extremely obscene.
看交待材料的人都心硬如铁，水平无比之高，能叫人家看了受不住，那还好得了？	Those who read our confessions were people with stone hearts and high political consciousness. If they couldn't bear reading it, it had to be pretty bad.
陈清扬说，那篇材料里什么也没写，只有她真实的罪孽。	Chen Qingyang said, in that confession, she wrote nothing but her true sin.
陈清扬说她真实的罪孽，是指在清平山上。	Chen Qingyang said that by her true sin she meant the incident on Mount Qingping.
那时她被架在我的肩上，穿着紧裹住双腿的筒裙，头发低垂下去，直到我的腰际。	She was being carried on my shoulder then, wearing the Thai skirt that bound her legs tightly together, and her hair hung down to my waist.
天上白云匆匆，深山里只有我们两个人。	The white cloud in the sky hurried on its journey, and there were only two of us in the midst of mountains.
我刚在她屁股上打了两下，打得非常之重，火烧火撩的感觉正在飘散。	I had just smacked her bottom; I spanked her really hard. The burning feeling was fading.
打过之后我就不管别的事，继续往山上攀登。	After that I cared about nothing else but continuing to climb the mountain.
陈清扬说，那一刻她感到浑身无力，就瘫软下来，挂在我肩上。	Chen Qingyang said that moment she felt limp all over, so she let go of herself, hanging over my shoulder.
那一刻她觉得如春藤绕树，小鸟依人。	That moment she felt like a spring vine entangling a tree, or a young bird clinging to its master.
她再也不想理会别的事，而且在那一瞬间把一切都遗忘。	She no longer cared about anything else, and at that moment she had forgotten everything.
在那一瞬间她爱上了我，而且这件事永远不能改变。	At that moment she fell in love with me, and that would never change.
在车站上陈清扬说，这篇材料交上去，团长拿起来就看。	At the train station, Chen Qingyang told me when she submitted this confession, the regimental commander read it immediately.
看完了面红耳赤，就像你的小和尚。	And after he finished reading his face was red all over, just like your little Buddha.
后来见过她这篇交待材料的人，一个个都面红耳赤，好像小和尚。	People who read this confession later all blushed too, like the little Buddha.
后来人保组的人找了她好几回，让她拿回去重写，但是她说，这是真实情况，一个字都不能改。	Afterward the public security people approached her several times, asking her to rewrite it. But she said, This is what really happened. Not a word should be changed.
人家只好把这个东西放进了我们的档案袋。	They had no choice but to place it into her file.
陈清扬说，承认了这个，就等于承认了一切罪孽。	Chen Qingyang said, admitting this amounts to admitting all her sins.
在人保组里，人家把各种交待材料拿给她看，就是想让她明白，谁也不这么写交待。	When she was in the public security office, they showed her all kinds of confessions, just to let her know what she couldn't write in her confession.
但是她偏要这么写。	But she insisted on writing in this way.
她说，她之所以要把这事最后写出来，是因为它比她干过的一切事都坏。	She said that the reason that she wanted to write about it was because it was worse than anything else she had done.
以前她承认过分开双腿，现在又加上，她做这些事是因为她喜欢。	She admitted before that she opened her legs; now she added that the reason she had done it was because she liked it.
做过这事和喜欢这事大不一样。	Doing something is very different from liking it.
前者该当出斗争差，后者就该五马分尸千刀万剐。	The former warranted going on denouncement trips; and the latter warranted being torn apart by five running horses or being minced by thousands of knives.
但是谁也没权力把我们五马分尸，所以只好把我们放了。	But no one had the power to tear us apart with five horses, so they had no choice but to set us free.
陈清扬告诉我这件事以后，火车就开走了。	After Chen Qingyang told me this, the train roared away.
以后我再也没见过她。	From that moment on, I never saw her again.